BREAKING NEWS: Obama’s Marriage Proposal

EXCLUSIVE

[MUST CREDIT EDWARDSREPORT]

The Obama campaign is furious that a transcript of Sen. Obama’s marriage proposal to Michelle was leaked to the media.  The MSM refuses to publish the information, but because this website never attended Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, we know a good story when we find it!

(Begin)

Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for.  I am more than your suitor, but rather I have become a symbol of the possibilities of marriage. After our first twenty years of marriage, you will look back on this moment as the time that your loneliness began to recede and your heart began to heal.  This is the moment that will end divorce and secure marriage.  I promise to provide you with care when you are sick and a job if you lose yours.  Let there be no new walls to divide us.  Now is the moment to say yes.  The odds you will say yes are very good so I’ve already told my family and friends we are engaged, as well as scheduled the wedding.

(Barack Obama stops reading from teleprompter, looks down confidently to Michelle.)

(End)

A Short History Of The Edwards Report

The Edwards Report blog was not always the premier site for free market economic analysis, in depth literary critiques, and fart jokes.  This blog was originally founded by Jonathan Edwards, the fiery theologian, in 1755.  At first, there were not many visitors because the Internet would not be invented by Leslie Gore for many, many years.  The original mission of the blog was to ensure the moral purity and rectitude of the land by campaigning against alcohol, tobacco, and short hemlines, a purpose that this website still seeks to uphold to this very day. 

            After Mr. Edwards’ death, the website was edited by another noted theologian, Jesse Edwards.  This blog then became known as the leading site for biblical scholarship, a reputation still intact over two hundred years later.   

            Gen. Oliver Edwards then inherited the website, but was too busy fighting the Civil War to add much content.  He was there the night they drove old Dixie down.  In fact, he is the one who took the very best from Virgil Cain.

            Author John Edwards brought a more literary spirit to the Edwards Report, but he was much better known for having NOT impregnated his mistress while his wife was battling cancer.

            The Edwards Report then went on hiatus for several years, as there were no famous Edwards’ during this time. 

            Finally, The Edwards Report was revived by Edwin Edwards, but was quickly shelfed when Edwards was elected governor of Lousiana, where he was known for bringing unprecendented levels of integrity and honesty to the office.  He plans on returning to The Edwards Report as soon as he is released from federal prison.

            A few years ago, The Edwards Report was revived by psychic John Edward, who changed the name to The Edward Report.  The current editor, Scott Edwards, was able to take back the domain name when it expired and changed the name back.  Somehow, John Edward did not see this coming.  And there you have a short history of nearly everything about the Edwards Report.  Eat your heart out, Bill Bryson.