We’ve moved! Now at Edwardsreport.com! New contributors! An awesome logo! More posts! More features! More ads! Now gluten free! The same lame, right wing Onion rip-off! Yeah! Edwardsreport.com! Edwardsreport.com! Edwardsreport.com! Everybody’s smoking Edwardsreport.com, why don’t you? Are you chicken? It feels good, trust me. You’ll like it. Edwardsreport.com.
The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged. The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin’s 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl, raising questions about Gov. Palin’s governing abilities. Among other shocking details, the Times is revealing that Piper once stayed up past bedtime and refused to eat her vegetables. Bernice Satanica, the head of Humorless Alliance for Grrls! (HAG), responded to the revelations by asking, “If she can’t get her 6-year-old to eat broccoli, can we really trust her to negotiate with Ahmadinejad? What kind of mother has ever had a child that disobeyed them?” Campbell Brown, a CNN anchor who also works as a spokesman for the Obama campaign, asked a McCain staffer about the damaging information during her most recent newscast. “This makes one wonder if Palin was really vetted at all. Why didn’t the McCain campaign hire a private investigator to follow Piper around so they could have avoided this embarrassment from the start?” Campbell then went on to say that Gen. Petraeus was in charge of putting kids to bed, not parents, before turning things over to Anderson Cooper, who had just returned from a day of antique shopping and Appletinis with his girlfriend, Anita Beard.
Oprah Winfrey, an afternoon talk show host who reached great achievement in a male dominated world and who encourages women to achieve in a male dominated world, is against allowing Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to run as vice president on the Republican ticket, on her show. Winfrey’s staff is divided by the decision, as is Oprah’s cult. Oprah, who tried to transfer her cult to Obama’s cult during his battle against another woman seeking achievement in a male dominated world, has been surprised at the angry reaction from disillusioned members of her own cult, who took to heart her words of encouragement for female achievement in a male dominated world. Dr. Phil is expected to intervene if there are any television cameras used to cover the controversy.
After several recent incidents involving leftists seeking to intimidate or squelch speech, including physically intimidating blogger Michelle Malkin and Fox News reporter Griff Jenkins and seeking to shut down anti-Obama television advertising, the Left has officially admitted that they really don’t believe in free speech. Official Left spokeswomyn Harold Scrottle, a transsexual, said “We routinely claim free speech as one of our guiding principles, but we can longer say that with a straight face. Look at our embrace of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine to squelch conservative talk radio. We on the Left like to think of ‘free speech’ as government sponsored art that involves a crucifix in urine or elephant dung on the Virgin Mary, not anyone advocating an opinion we find offensive, such as cutting taxes.” Scrottle, who will be using the same surgeon Keith Olbermann used for his sex reassignment surgery , went on to mention college speech codes, hate crimes laws, and campaign finance reform as other examples of the Left’s lack of free speech credentials. “It was hard to believe that after we took those stands that anyone actually took us serious as free speech supporters.” He went on to laugh about how the Left “will try to stifle conservatives they ridiculously label as Nazis such as Rush Limbaugh, but will defend the right of free speech of actual Nazis.” After the Left failed to defend the right of journalists to print the Muhammad cartoons, many on the Left wondered how long the charade of supporting free speech would be able to continue. Scrottle says the decision to admit the truth was difficult, but necessary, before adding, “If you actually print this article, we will accuse you of being a fascist and against free speech.”
The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged. The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin’s 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl . . . THIS POST HAS MOVED. CLICK HERE. CHECK OUT THE EDWARDSREPORT.COM, THE RIGHT WING ONION RIP-OFF.
Senator John McCain’s choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his running mate has set off alarm bells throughout the Beltway and into the media center of New York City. Washington Lobbyist Bernice Satanica was deeply alarmed about McCain’s choice. “Palin’s so inexperienced. She’s not familiar with Washington’s ways. For example, she doesn’t know how to hide a lobbyist’s gift from public scrutiny. She doesn’t know how to work the system to give tax dollars to your undeserving campaign donors. She doesn’t know which local park is best to stash the bodies of political associates or former lovers. She’ll be a disaster.”
In New York City, the reaction was just as swift. “I mean, my god, does she even read Frank Rich every Sunday? Has she ever read Derrida or Foucault? Is America really ready for that kind of president?” asked Paulette Kael, the literary editor of the New York Review of Books. “Look at her. Her husband’s a union member who works with his hands, her son is in the military, she had to work for everything she has, she engages in hunting and fishing, and, my god, she has five kids, none of which are adopted from exotic countries. This will seem so alien to voters. I’m not sure how America will be able to relate to her.”
Not all of the consternation came from left of the political spectrum. Regal Puddington III is the editor in chief of The Weekly Review, an obscure conservative literary journal. As he lit his pipe and adjusted his bow tie, he asked: “Does she even know her Burke from her Locke? Her Mises from her Hayek?” Puddington, who has been to London, Paris, and other cosmopolitan cities around the world, but has yet to visit anywhere in America besides New York City, his ski chalet in Boulder, and his summer home in Martha’s Vineyard, considers himself an expert in Alaskan politics as he once read a Jack London novel in middle school. “I’m not sure America will be comfortable with a vice president who didn’t attend Dartmouth or Yale.”
Local undecided voter Dick Johnson was deeply shaken after watching this week’s Democrat Convention. “I watched all evening, all week, and it really opened up my eyes. I go to work every day and take care of my family, so I’m really busy, but I had no idea that America was in such bad shape. I didn’t realize that half the country lived under their local bridge, or that only Halliburton executives were allowed decent health care,” said Johnson. He went on to wonder how the Republicans could have nominated Sen. John McCain as their presidential nominee. “At first I thought he was an American hero,” Johnson explained, “but after watching the DNC convention I discovered that he hates those who serve in the military, wants to take away school lunches from poor children, and likes to snap the heads off of kittens.” Johnson now leans toward Obama.
The Obama campaign headquarters buzzed with energy yesterday afternoon, but there was a sense of foreboding among staffers. “We are just waiting for the Rove/Bush spin machine to kick into high gear and turn Obama into somebody we wouldn’t recognize,” said campaign strategist Harold Scrottle, taking a break from planning a campaign ad aimed at convincing voters that John McCain, a former POW, doesn’t support America’s veterans. “But what keeps us up at night is the anticipation of the dirty smears, the swift-boating, that will be attempted against Obama,” worried Scrottle, who paused briefly to read an email from a 527 group asking for input on an internet effort to spread the idea that McCain has become senile. “We are planning to face a barrage of lies about Obama’s past statements. They will lie and twist everything Barack has said,” lamented Scrottle, before posting a blog entry on Obama’s website accusing McCain of advocating more American casualties by wanting troops to stay in Iraq forever. “We will have a hard time fighting back against the Republican echo chamber of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and Rush Limbaugh,” Scrottle fretted before heading out the door for interviews with ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and USA Today.
In other fake election news . . .
Exclusive sources deep within the DNC have revealed Sen. Joe Biden’s vice presidential acceptance speech, causing an uproar among Obama campaign staffers. Biden is not expected to address plagiarism charges leveled against him. Here are selected excerpts from Biden’s speech:
I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.
We are here — thank you — We are here tonight — We are here tonight because we love our country.
We’re proud of what America is and what it can become.
My fellow Americans, we’re here tonight united in one purpose: to make America stronger at home and respected in the world.
The rest of Biden’s speech can be read here.
Jo’ Bama talks so much his mouth is like a convenience store, open 24 hours a day.
Please add your own in the comments section.
More to come.
Fear spread throughout the environmentalist community early Saturday morning as the news that Barack Obama had chosen Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate. National environmentalist groups are worried that the Obama/Biden ticket would vastly increase the dangers and imminence of global warming, as a result of the combination of hot air released from both candidates. “This will lead to more hurricanes, an increase in the death of polar bears, and the end of Antarctica as we know it,” claimed activist Harold Scrottle, the head of the Faction for Alleviating Global Warming. Although the similarities between the two makes them almost indistinguishable, Scrottle went on to say that the Democratic ticket is more of a danger to the environment than cow flatulence. Environmentalist Al Gore was unavailable for comment as he was aboard his private plane.
The AP is reporting that Democrat nominee Barack Obama has picked himself to be his vice presidential candidate. Obama was quoted as saying, “When it came to a running mate who would be experienced enough to help me reverse global warming, make the lame walk, heal the sick, cure cancer, and bring peace on earth, I knew there was only one man qualified to do that. Truly, I am the one I have been waiting for.” It has been confirmed that when Obama asked Obama to be his vice president, Obama responded by looking defiantly into the distance before reading the following off of his teleprompter: “I accept. This is the moment that the obesity epidemic began to recede, your acne started to clear up, and Chevy Chase started to be funny again.” Afterwards, Obama and Obama turned a loaf of bread and a few pieces of fish into organic, locally grown arugula, edamame and free range chicken in order to feed the hungry.
In other political news . . .
Local resident Harold Scrottle, who calls himself a “political consultant,” is actually unemployed. Scrottle introduces himself as a political consultant when he attends political events and emails local politicians, despite having never been hired in that capacity, although he did run a local political auxiliary for three weeks before it collapsed. He now refers to himself as chairman emeritus. He has no real experience running campaigns, has only dreamt of running for office, and has an associate degree in hotel management, but still likes to portray himself as a political insider with something to offer candidates. Despite years of networking political events, Scrottle has yet to be offered a job, even as a volunteer. Scrottle once ran into Washington Post columnist George Will at the grocery store and introduced himself as a fellow pundit, as he once had a letter published in his local newspaper.