BREAKING NEWS: Obama’s Marriage Proposal

EXCLUSIVE

[MUST CREDIT EDWARDSREPORT]

The Obama campaign is furious that a transcript of Sen. Obama’s marriage proposal to Michelle was leaked to the media.  The MSM refuses to publish the information, but because this website never attended Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, we know a good story when we find it!

(Begin)

Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for.  I am more than your suitor, but rather I have become a symbol of the possibilities of marriage. After our first twenty years of marriage, you will look back on this moment as the time that your loneliness began to recede and your heart began to heal.  This is the moment that will end divorce and secure marriage.  I promise to provide you with care when you are sick and a job if you lose yours.  Let there be no new walls to divide us.  Now is the moment to say yes.  The odds you will say yes are very good so I’ve already told my family and friends we are engaged, as well as scheduled the wedding.

(Barack Obama stops reading from teleprompter, looks down confidently to Michelle.)

(End)

Church of Obama, Denominations (Re-post!)

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism.  Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written.  They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included).  They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events.  They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren’t certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older.  Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations.  For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects.  This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world.  After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II:  I failed to mention some denominations.  My favorite: the Islamaobamas.  As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama.  Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama.  The most famous adherent would be Ludacris.  Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays.

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS!  NRO ROCKS!  You’re kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!   A history of this website.  The author, Scott Edwards, is a long time advocate of equal rights for homo sapiens, as well as a popular author who has written under the noms de plume Danielle Steel, Ernest Hemingway, and Shakespeare.  For his bio, click here.

Obama: McCain Campaign Racist

In response to repeated criticisms of his tax plan from Sen. McCain, Sen. Obama and his campaign have returned fire, accusing the campaign of blatant racism.  After McCain said Obama wanted to raise taxes, Obama quickly said this was an attempt to bring attention to his race, playing into the vicious stereotype that all blacks want to raise taxes.  Obama staffer Harold Scrottle released a statement decrying “McCain’s effort to play on the bigoted fears of Americans who unfairly associate a capital gains tax increase with the African-American community.”  Obama himself later addressed the issue when he said, “The Republicans are going to try to make an issue of that fact that I don’t look like all those guys on the coins because I’m not made of zinc or copper.  Or that the color of my skin is a reason to fear that I will raise your payroll tax.”   The NAACP responded to McCain’s comments by demanding new government programs to address persistent racism in America, but did not make a suggestion on how to fund the new programs. The KKK did not issue a statement, as its three remaining members are awaiting trial on charges of molesting a dead horse.

The Bodacious Ting Tings

Music Review: The Ting Tings’  We Started Nothing

Will the Brits save pop music?  It appears we have another musical British invasion: Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and now the Ting-Tings.  From across the Atlantic, we have been shown the way to reinvigorate and reinvent the morose pop music scene, making this genre fun again.  The Ting Tings music is nothing more than fun, uncomplicated pop music.  In other words, the Ting Tings’ music is like Courtney Love’s crotch: it is both easily accessible and highly infectious.  THIS POST HAS MOVED TO HERE.  Visit our new site here.

Coming Soon!

*EXCLUSIVE, BREAKING NEWS: A transcript of Obama’s marriage proposal!

*What Courtney Love’s crotch has in common with the fabulous Ting Tings!

*McCain’s racism!

Impacting (sorry, Drudge!) later this week . . .

*Stories of addictions, pundits edition #2.

*Personal ads for cable news channels.