Left Admits: We Were Kidding About Free Speech

After several recent incidents involving leftists seeking to intimidate or squelch speech, including physically intimidating blogger Michelle Malkin and Fox News reporter Griff Jenkins and seeking to shut down anti-Obama television advertising, the Left has officially admitted that they really don’t believe in free speech.  Official Left spokeswomyn Harold Scrottle, a transsexual, said “We routinely claim free speech as one of our guiding principles, but we can longer say that with a straight face.  Look at our embrace of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine to squelch conservative talk radio.  We on the Left like to think of ‘free speech’ as government sponsored art that involves a crucifix in urine or elephant dung on the Virgin Mary, not anyone advocating an opinion we find offensive, such as cutting taxes.”  Scrottle, who will be using the same surgeon Keith Olbermann used for his sex reassignment surgery , went on to mention college speech codes, hate crimes laws, and campaign finance reform as other examples of the Left’s lack of free speech credentials.  “It was hard to believe that after we took those stands that anyone actually took us serious as free speech supporters.”  He went on to laugh about how the Left “will try to stifle conservatives they ridiculously label as Nazis such as Rush Limbaugh, but will defend the right of free speech of actual Nazis.” After the Left failed to defend the right of journalists to print the Muhammad cartoons, many on the Left wondered how long the charade of supporting free speech would be able to continue.  Scrottle says the decision to admit the truth was difficult, but necessary, before adding, “If you actually print this article, we will accuse you of being a fascist and against free speech.”

Area Liberal Scoffs At Ignorance Of Others

Portland, OR – Local resident Harold Scrottle frequently finds himself scoffing at the ignorance of those around him.  “It’s amazing,” he said, as he sat at an outside table at The Hammer & Sickle, a self-styled progressive cafe in the northeast section of town.  “Just listen to the nonsense coming out of people’s mouths.  It’s clear they only listen to Rush Limbaugh or watch Faux, I mean Fox, News,” he continued, laughing uproariously at his wordplay.  As he sipped a cup of organic, fair trade coffee that he had sweetened with organic turbinado sugar before adding soy milk, he expressed his frustration with this segment of society.  “I know these people are ignorant.  I watch and listen to a wide variety of programming to have a global perspective,” Scrottle stated, before naming his news sources as Amy Goodman, Al Jazeera, Jon Stewart, and Keith Olbermann.  Scrottle lit an American Spirit cigarette, then continued: “I mean, Limbaugh and Faux, I mean Fox, News just endlessly repeat stories that Sen. Obama is a secret Muslim and an atheist homosexual.  That is a fact.”  When asked if he had heard or seen this himself, he admitted to having never heard Limbaugh or seen Fox News, but had read all about the media outlets on either the Democrat Underground or Daily Kos website.  “When I hear these right wing, mind-numbed robots repeat their talking points on the so-called ‘War on Terror,’ I cringe at their ignorance.  But they don’t have the academic background I do,” said Scrottle, who once took a class on the Middle East while earning his associate degree in conflict resolution from the local community college.  He adjusted his beret, wiped the Che chili off of his beard, and headed for his bicycle, resigned to the ignorance he was sure to encounter on his way back to the studio apartment he shares with four roommates.