I Kissed A Girl, Too (But I Didn’t Get A Hit Song Out Of It)

The latest stats show that this esteemed website just set a record for most visitors in a day, and is now on its way to another record day.  According to the last Nielson Internet ratings, The Edwards Report now ranks first among obese, one-armed, flatulent, alcoholic, Marlboro Red smoking, frigid, mute, Nepalese immigrant housewives, an often overlooked demographic.  I was once known as the man who kissed a girl, took her to the candy shop, and brought back sexy all in one afternoon before Kate Perry, 50 cent, and Justine Timberlack were born.  Now I shall be remembered for giving a voice to this underserved community.  I could not be prouder.  God bless you, Kanti!
UPDATE: Several of you have corrected me that the singer who attempted but failed to bring sexy back was not a female singer called Justine Timberlack, but a hermaphroditic singer known as Justin Timberlake, who is quite popular among homosexuals and fat women.  My apologies.

UPDATE II: Headline and wording altered slightly.  Get over it.