Breaking News: Edwards Not Gay

In a shocking turn of events, former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards admitted that he is not a homosexual.  Edwards, whose love of hair care products and soft, delicate hands led many to assume he was gay, came out as a member of the heterosexual community in response to a National Enquirer report.  Ann Coulter is expected to release an apology, but could not be reached for comment.

EDITOR’S NOTE: To those of you who consider this post to have resorted to offensive stereotypes, please know this website finds homophobia to be totally gay.

Putin Announces New Policies, Mustache

In news unrelated to the Russian attack on Georgia, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has announced several new policies he will pursue.  Among other plans, Putin is enacting his economic policy known as the Five-Year Plan, as well as pushing collective farming.  Opponents of the plan will be allowed to take part in a exciting new venture known as the Great Purge.  Putin also announced he will be growing a large mustache and invading Poland in conjunction with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Editor’s Note: Pelosi and The Edwards Report

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

My good friend Felipe “Fritz” O’Malley recently pointed out that this august website has had more hits in the last week than Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has sold copies of her new book Know Your Power. Her literary masterpiece is a collection of plastic surgery horror stories.