Here for the Church of Obama?

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Stories Of Addiction: Pundits Edition, Part I

If you watch your local news, you are familiar with the <sirens> METH EPIDEMIC <sirens>  sweeping the country.  But there are other addictions affecting our fellow Americans, specifically in the pundit community.  Here are their stories.  Some have recovered, some are still battling, and some have just given up.  In order to protect the identities of these important thinkers, their full names will not be used.

Arianna H.: She is still currently battling a vicious addiction to A, which is the common street slang for the drug black tar attention.  She will do anything it takes to get A, including lying, pretending to believe what she does not, and marrying homosexuals.  Her desire for A is often fulfilled by hanging out with such current major Hollywood celebrities as Warren Beatty and Ed Begley, Jr.  She can often be seen on the Internet’s street corners, offering her services in exchange for A.

Markos M: He was addicted to insaine, a white, powdery drug that is snorted, and is very popular among left-wing bloggers.  His addiction caused brain injuries, leading him to make vast political statements without the slightest grounding in any understanding of political philosophy.  While over his insaine addiction, he is still hooked on meth.

David B: He was addicted to making conservatism palatable to a crowd that still buys into Leonard Cohen’s famous comment that conservatism is just “irritable mental gestures .”  In order to work through his addiction, he gave up conservatism rather than his desire to be acceptable to the Upper West Side.

Maureen D.: She was addicted to sex so much that she is often mistakenly thought to be the inspiration for all four characters on Sex and the City.  She worked through her addiction by making snarky insults and pop culture references about politicians, especially about her fellow sex addict Bill C.  She has since become a lesbian.

Keith O.: Keith refuses to take his medication and any attempt to help cure his addiction to anonymous sex in rest area men’s toliet stalls is considered hopeless.

McCain’s Secret Strategy

The Left has been fretting for sometime about a possible “swift-boating” of Sen. Obama, as well as constantly complaining about rumor-based whispering campaigns.  They have every reason to worry.  I have discovered Sen. McCain’s secret dirty campaigning tactic: his associates are going to start a rumor that Sen. Obama is black.  This is expected to ruin Obama’s chance to be president, knocking him out of front-runner status since America is such a racist country.  The Clinton campaign had planned to start the rumor to destroy Obama’s campaign during the Democrat primary but backed away at the last minute, as Bill was worried about a threat from Rev. Jackson.  It is feared among the Obama camp that if some Americans begin to believe that Obama is black, his poll numbers will plummet because America is such a racist country.  His campaign believes that if this rumor had become ingrained in the psyches of voters earlier, Obama would have never gotten this far because, as we all know, America is a racist country.