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The Church Of Obama (Bumped)

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism.  Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written.  They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included).  They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events.  They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren’t certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older.  Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations.  For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects.  This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world.  After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II:  I failed to mention some denominations.  My favorite: the Islamaobamas.  As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama.  Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama.  The most famous adherent would be Ludacris.  Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays. 

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS!  NRO ROCKS!  You’re kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!   A history of this website.  The author, Scott Edwards, is a long time advocate of equal rights for homo sapiens, as well as a popular author who has written under the noms de plume Danielle Steel, Ernest Hemingway, and Shakespeare.  For his bio, click here.

Permalink:https://edwardsreport.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/the-church-of-obama

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July 31, 2008 - Posted by | Election 2008, Laugher Curve | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

18 Comments »

  1. Which denomination is the one that changes their middle names to Hussein?

    Comment by Dr_Minus | July 30, 2008 | Reply

  2. On the other hand, the parishioners at the Church of McCain died off about a decade ago, right about the time he was due.

    Comment by KC | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  3. I have to admit, those are pretty good, actually.

    Comment by KC | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  4. The Book of The Obamassiah

    The Obamassiah shall reveal himself to us by his teachings, which will be the spoken word in the form of the finest silk and silver.

    Do not fear if the words of the Obamassiah are not at first clear, you need only to hear them and believe. Be not afraid if the feeling of a cool breeze runs up one’s leg. Do not fear if the words of his glory remove you from your senses and fainting occurs.

    Our savior shall become known to us by the wreath of arugala upon his head and his ears for they shall take the form of the handles of a jug of the finest wine.

    I. Thou shalt not speak the middle name of the Obamassiah. To do so exposes thine as a racist and it shall not be tolerated.

    II. Thou shalt not mention past associations of the Obamassiah. To do so exposes thine as a racist. For despite any recent or current friendship his holiness may have with them, he was only a child when they ran afoul of the law. Or he missed that sermon.

    III. Thou shalt not mention praise of the Obamassiah by murderers and tyrants. To do so exposes thine as a racist, it is a sign that thine has truly lost one’s bearings.

    IV. Thou shalt not mention the schooling of the Obamassiah at any point in his existence. To do so exposes thine as a racist.

    V. Thou shalt not question the Obamassiah more than eight times. To do so exposes thine as a racist. For the time of his holiness is of a value beyond your own.

    VI. Thou shalt not question the past of the Obamassiah family arrival or his birth. To do so exposes thine as a racist. For events in time matter not if they occur differently than his holiness speaks of them. It matters only that you believe.

    VII. Thou shalt not question the words of the Obamassiah’s spouse. For if her words mirror those of the past associations of his holiness then thine is a racist twice over for the mention of them. (see II)

    VIII. The purveyors of words to the people shall cast only praise on the Obamassiah. To turn from this exposes thine as a racist and a soldier of the unbeliever and thine should be cast out and lose any source of livelihood.

    IX. Thou shalt not question the patriotism of the Obamassiah. To do so exposes thine as a racist. For by not displaying any outward love for his land only proves his love for his land.

    Those unenlightened to the truth, and the light, and the way of the Obamassiah shall cling to armaments and religions other than that of the Obamassiah and will mistrust his glory for they understand it not.

    This is the word of the Obamassiah.

    Herendiththelesson

    Comment by Cardinal Fang | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  5. Funny

    Comment by OMGIAMGOINGNUTS | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  6. […] closer look at the Church of Obama Know your denominations:As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between […]

    Pingback by From the Maas | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  7. […] This is the word of the Obamassiah. The Church Of Obama « The Edwards Report […]

    Pingback by The Church Of Obama « The Edwards Report | Pierre Legrand's Pink Flamingo Bar | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  8. You forgot the Isbamists. At their most benign, they are the ones who call for strict bans on unclean food products like transfats. They demonstrate a singular devotion to Obama, regularly chanting “there is no hope but Obama, and Obama is change.” They tend to frustrate “Old Book” Democrats in several ways.

    First, by maintaining that Progressives were the first form of Democrats, and insisting those who left the Clintonian “Third Way” to become Progressives should only be called “reverts,” not “converts.”

    Second, any criticism of Obama is dismissed as the “politics of fear,” typically labeled as “Baracknaphobia.”

    Third, they show particular intolerance for anyone who questions the Word of Obama, regularly calling for “Gorewas” against apostates to progressivism.

    Finally, they really, really hate Joe Lieberman.

    Comment by wooga | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  9. […] Filed under: Posts — buttle @ 12:28 He is a symbol of all that is good, but there is some splintering among his adherents. *Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism.  […]

    Pingback by The Church of Obama « Buttle’s World | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  10. Wooga,
    It appears we are on the same wavelink! I prefer my name of Islamaobamas, but the rest of your post is better!

    Scott

    Comment by rushjr79 | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  11. I found your missing ‘graphs on Jewish Obamists, here restored:
    Reform, small-l liberal Jewish Obamists and the editor of Tikun Magazine believe the Messiah will arrive November 4 (latest November 5, overnight PST).
    Orthodox and small-c conservative Jewish Obamists. There are none. They wait & pray daily for the coming of the Messiah, though he is hard to recognize and may tarry.
    Capital-C Conservative Jewish Obamists are divided. The majority of the Rabbinical Assembly awaits the Coming on Nov 4-5, but will permit individual rabbis and congregations to dissent from that opinion.

    Comment by Nancy Wallack | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  12. Don’t forget the Obamish. They are marked by their strict pacifism and desire to rid the world of modern industrial conveniences like motor cars, incandescent light bulbs, and pesticides.

    Comment by wooga | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  13. Let me get this straight. Obama’s problem is that people are too enthusiastic about him. Meanwhile McCain has problems like the fact that he can’t read a teleprompter. I’m not a betting man, but I’d bet on the guy whose major problem is that his fans are too fanatical, not on the guy who struggles at reading.

    Comment by KC | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  14. Presbyteriobamists — they used to care about Obama, but have lost all interest in things religious and spend all their time complaining about Israel.

    Comment by jb | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  15. The Baha’i Obamunists, because they fear not abasement.

    Congrats on the NRO link…
    Hardlinked and blogrolled you…
    One question. As you are apparently a fellow Portland resident how is it the Lefties haven’t tossed your burned body into the Willamette?

    Comment by DANEgerus | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  16. Obama is so Hot (Pic from 2006)

    Comment by DANEgerus | July 31, 2008 | Reply

  17. Great stuff! 😆

    Comment by thescoundrel | August 1, 2008 | Reply

  18. […] fans.  This is the world’s most popular blog on politics among Duffy fans, apparently.  Here is the popular post on the various denominations of the Church of Obama.  For more about the author, click here. For […]

    Pingback by Music Review: Duffy’s Rockferry « The Edwards Report | August 1, 2008 | Reply


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