DC/NY Axis Outraged

Senator John McCain’s choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his running mate has set off alarm bells throughout the Beltway and into the media center of New York City.  Washington Lobbyist Bernice Satanica was deeply alarmed about McCain’s choice.  ”Palin’s so inexperienced.  She’s not familiar with Washington’s ways.  For example, she doesn’t know how to hide a lobbyist’s gift from public scrutiny.  She doesn’t know how to work the system to give tax dollars to your undeserving campaign donors.  She doesn’t know which local park is best to stash the bodies of political associates or former lovers.  She’ll be a disaster.”

In New York City, the reaction was just as swift.  ”I mean, my god, does she even read Frank Rich every Sunday?  Has she ever read Derrida or Foucault?  Is America really ready for that kind of president?” asked Paulette Kael, the literary editor of the New York Review of Books.  ”Look at her.  Her husband’s a union member who works with his hands, her son is in the military, she had to work for everything she has, she engages in hunting and fishing, and, my god, she has five kids, none of which are adopted from exotic countries.  This will seem so alien to voters.  I’m not sure how America will be able to relate to her.”

Not all of the consternation came from left of the political spectrum.  Regal Puddington III is the editor in chief of The Weekly Review, an obscure conservative literary journal.  As he lit his pipe and adjusted his bow tie, he asked: “Does she even know her Burke from her Locke? Her Mises from her Hayek?” Puddington, who has been to London, Paris, and other cosmopolitan cities around the world, but has yet to visit anywhere in America besides New York City, his ski chalet in Boulder, and his summer home in Martha’s Vineyard, considers himself an expert in Alaskan politics as he once read a Jack London novel in middle school.  ”I’m not sure America will be comfortable with a vice president who didn’t attend Dartmouth or Yale.”

Exclusive: Biden’s VP Speech Revealed!

Impacting Hard

Exclusive sources deep within the DNC have revealed Sen. Joe Biden’s vice presidential acceptance speech, causing an uproar among Obama campaign staffers.  Biden is not expected to address plagiarism charges leveled against him.  Here are selected excerpts from Biden’s speech:

I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.

Thank you.

We are here — thank you — We are here tonight — We are here tonight because we love our country.

We’re proud of what America is and what it can become.

My fellow Americans, we’re here tonight united in one purpose: to make America stronger at home and respected in the world.

The rest of Biden’s speech can be read here.

Obama/Biden Ticket Worries Environmentalists

Fear spread throughout the environmentalist community early Saturday morning as the news that Barack Obama had chosen Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate.  National environmentalist groups are worried that the Obama/Biden ticket would vastly increase the dangers and imminence of global warming, as a result of the combination of hot air released from both candidates.  “This will lead to more hurricanes, an increase in the death of polar bears, and the end of Antarctica as we know it,” claimed activist Harold Scrottle, the head of the Faction for Alleviating Global Warming.  Although the similarities between the two makes them almost indistinguishable,  Scrottle went on to say that the Democratic ticket is more of a danger to the environment than cow flatulence.  Environmentalist Al Gore was unavailable for comment as he was aboard his private plane.

Breaking News: Obama Picks Obama As Veep

The AP is reporting that Democrat nominee Barack Obama has picked himself to be his vice presidential candidate.  Obama was quoted as saying, “When it came to a running mate who would be experienced enough to help me reverse global warming, make the lame walk, heal the sick, cure cancer, and bring peace on earth, I knew there was only one man qualified to do that.  Truly, I am the one I have been waiting for.”  It has been confirmed that when Obama asked Obama to be his vice president, Obama responded by looking defiantly into the distance before reading the following off of his teleprompter: “I accept.  This is the moment that the obesity epidemic began to recede, your acne started to clear up, and Chevy Chase started to be funny again.”  Afterwards, Obama and Obama turned a loaf of bread and a few pieces of fish into organic, locally grown arugula, edamame and free range chicken in order to feed the hungry.

In other political news . . .

Arianna Admits: HuffPo A Parody

Gore Blames Recent Hot Weather On Global Warming

Media Outraged Over Obama Allegations Against Obama

The (John) Edwards Report

This august publication is steeped in the well developed journalistic ethics that permeate so much of American media, so it is with a heavy heart that this post is based on a report in the National Enquirer.  They have been diligently pursuing a sex scandal involving onetime senator and former and possibly soon-to-be vice presidential candidate John “No Relation” Edwards.  The rumors that he has not only a mistress but a love child as well have been around for awhile, and they have no proof such as a DNA test, but their latest story does not look good.  So while his wife was battling cancer, Sen. Bedwards was (allegedly) riding dirty with this woman:

Sen. Bedwards & his baby's mama?

Vice Squad

Columnist extraordinaire Robert Novak is reporting that Sen. McCain will be announcing his vice presidential choice this week.  The CW was that McCain would wait until after Obama makes his selection, expected to be right before the Democrat convention this summer.  Novak has great sources, especially in Republican politics, and the responses are unified that this was timed to knock Obama’s foreign trip down a notch, but divided on whether it is actually true or just a fake leak.  Rumors rocking Romney recently.