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The Church Of Obama (Bumped)

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism.  Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written.  They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included).  They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events.  They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren’t certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older.  Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations.  For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects.  This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world.  After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II:  I failed to mention some denominations.  My favorite: the Islamaobamas.  As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama.  Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama.  The most famous adherent would be Ludacris.  Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays. 

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS!  NRO ROCKS!  You’re kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!   A history of this website.  The author, Scott Edwards, is a long time advocate of equal rights for homo sapiens, as well as a popular author who has written under the noms de plume Danielle Steel, Ernest Hemingway, and Shakespeare.  For his bio, click here.

Permalink:http://edwardsreport.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/the-church-of-obama

July 31, 2008 Posted by | Election 2008, Laugher Curve | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Johnny Come Lately?

In what is shaping up to be an awful year for Republicans, the GOP primary voters managed to pick the one candidate that might actually have a chance in November.  With President Bush’s embarrassing approval rating and a Republican Party which is hemorrhaging registered voters, Sen. John McCain’s image of independence and reform gives the GOP an opportunity to not only stop an election blowout, but also to improve or even alter the negative themes (corruption, ineptitude, mismanagement) that many now associate with the party.  Unfortunately, Sen. McCain has not taken the steps required to seize the opportunities available due to the voter’s angst, and thus win the election and save his party.

What would Sen. McCain need to do to win?  I would suggest an overarching theme of reform, based on four basic principles close to the voters’ heart.  He should repeat these ideas at every opportunity, claiming a history of reform over inexperienced and unknown change.

1) A simple energy plan based on CONSERVATION, INNOVATION, and EXPLORATION.  Sen. Obama is locked into a difficult position due to the intransigence of his most vocal and partisan supporters and the radicalism of the environmentalist left that controls the Democrat party.  While liberal pols scream about high gas prices, their real complaint is only that the government didn’t raise the prices through a gas tax increase.  Basic economics tells us that a massive increase in the price of something will lead to less use of it.  The environmentalists have long wanted to decrease energy consumption in this country, often with cries that we are “dependent on foreign oil.”  Sen. McCain must challenge the slogans of the Left by agreeing that we must get off foreign oil, but do so by using American oil.

Sen. McCain has altered his views on offshore drilling due to the unprecedented gas prices, but still clings to his opposition to drilling in ANWR.  He must change his view on this, not just for political expedience, but also for what is best for the country.  In order to do so, he should visit ANWR personally, and take in the fact that the area where drilling would take place is much less than 1% of the refuge and is not “pristine,” but rather barren and frigid in winter and barren and mosquito-infested in summer.

As for the innovation and conservation, Sen. McCain should drop his support for an economy-destroying cap-and-trade system that will just cause more pain for the working class and middle class voters he needs, and instead advocate for unleashing the ingenuity of America and encourage environmental entrepreneurship through increased use of tax credits and incentives, and continue to fine-tune his proposal of a multi-million dollar reward for private inventors who can help us with more efficient vehicles.   He should stress the energy crisis will be solved by using all avenues available to the country, and the Sen. Obama is too beholden to the far Left to be open to drilling.  He should repeat the phrases “environmentally sound drilling” and “safe nuclear power,” speak of increased conservation efforts, and emphasis emphatically that drilling in America will lead to more family wage American jobs.

2) A sharp, radical plan to battle political corruption.  The disastrous Republican election in 2006 was due to mismanagement in Iraq and what seemed a never-ending stream of scandals involving GOP congressmen.  In order to battle the perception of incompetence and corruption, Sen. McCain, who has a good start in that he has a reputation of being a fighter for transparency and against government overspending, must push loudly and endlessly for an end to all earmarks, new lobbying restrictions, and more transparency and restrictions on when politicians’ family members are hired with companies which have business before Congress.  These aren’t exactly pressing issues for many, but they are important issues in battling the stultifying perception that threatens to seriously wound the GOP and most of its candidates, federal to state to local.  When discussing these issues, he should mention recent Democrat scandals in Congress, e.g. “Friends of Angelo,” Rangel’s apartments, etc.

3) It has been mentioned many times before by writers smarter than I, that the Republican Party needs to keep and win back voters who are in the working and middle classes.  They are being the hurt the most by a lack of increase in wages, the rise in gas prices, and enlarged health care costs.  Others have proposed some ideas to do this, and they include such things as a huge increase in the child tax credit, targeted tax cuts for the working and middles classes, and health care reform.  (Those who have addressed these issues include Atlantic Monthly writers Ross Douthat and Reihan Salam in Grand New Party, and Ramesh Ponnuru and Rich Lowry in the current National Review.)  Sen. McCain has a great health care reform plan, but he doesn’t appear interested in discussing the issue, much less learning the details.  This is an immense mistake, but one that is not limited to Sen. McCain; most Republican politicians have not taken up the issue from a free market perspective, thus conceding the issue to the Democrats.  Sen. McCain needs to address health care and use the following words to, correctly, describe his plan: reform, choice, portability, flexibility, competition, efficiency, price decreases.  These will be the results of his approach to health care, but most voters haven’t heard that he even has one.

4) The final issue is just a refutation of conventional wisdom and an admonition to the McCain camp.  Social issues, it is assumed, have hurt the Republican Party, especially a pro-life stance on abortion.  The aforementioned Ponnuru has explored this issue, and decisively presented the case that the exact opposite is true.  The GOP gains more votes than it loses by its social positions, especially among Catholics and the working class.  These voters would most likely abandon the GOP were the party to itself abandon a traditional stance on social issues.  Sen. McCain must not ignore these issues, and certainly not antagonize any more of the leaders within the social conservative movement.  He has an impressive pro-life record; he shouldn’t be ashamed or reticent about it.

If McCain is to have a chance, and the Republican Party a future, he must reclaim the mantle of reform and target the anxieties of the working and middle classes.

July 22, 2008 Posted by | Election 2008 | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

   

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