Breaking News: Edwards Not Gay
In a shocking turn of events, former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards admitted that he is not a homosexual. Edwards, whose love of hair care products and soft, delicate hands led many to assume he was gay, came out as a member of the heterosexual community in response to a National Enquirer report. Ann Coulter is expected to release an apology, but could not be reached for comment.
EDITOR’S NOTE: To those of you who consider this post to have resorted to offensive stereotypes, please know this website finds homophobia to be totally gay.
A Short History Of The Edwards Report
The Edwards Report blog was not always the premier site for free market economic analysis, in depth literary critiques, and fart jokes. This blog was originally founded by Jonathan Edwards, the fiery theologian, in 1755. At first, there were not many visitors because the Internet would not be invented by Leslie Gore for many, many years. The original mission of the blog was to ensure the moral purity and rectitude of the land by campaigning against alcohol, tobacco, and short hemlines, a purpose that this website still seeks to uphold to this very day.
After Mr. Edwards’ death, the website was edited by another noted theologian, Jesse Edwards. This blog then became known as the leading site for biblical scholarship, a reputation still intact over two hundred years later.
Gen. Oliver Edwards then inherited the website, but was too busy fighting the Civil War to add much content. He was there the night they drove old Dixie down. In fact, he is the one who took the very best from Virgil Cain.
Author John Edwards brought a more literary spirit to the Edwards Report, but he was much better known for having NOT impregnated his mistress while his wife was battling cancer.
The Edwards Report then went on hiatus for several years, as there were no famous Edwards’ during this time.
Finally, The Edwards Report was revived by Edwin Edwards, but was quickly shelfed when Edwards was elected governor of Lousiana, where he was known for bringing unprecendented levels of integrity and honesty to the office. He plans on returning to The Edwards Report as soon as he is released from federal prison.
A few years ago, The Edwards Report was revived by psychic John Edward, who changed the name to The Edward Report. The current editor, Scott Edwards, was able to take back the domain name when it expired and changed the name back. Somehow, John Edward did not see this coming. And there you have a short history of nearly everything about the Edwards Report. Eat your heart out, Bill Bryson.
The (John) Edwards Report
This august publication is steeped in the well developed journalistic ethics that permeate so much of American media, so it is with a heavy heart that this post is based on a report in the National Enquirer. They have been diligently pursuing a sex scandal involving onetime senator and former and possibly soon-to-be vice presidential candidate John “No Relation” Edwards. The rumors that he has not only a mistress but a love child as well have been around for awhile, and they have no proof such as a DNA test, but their latest story does not look good. So while his wife was battling cancer, Sen. Bedwards was (allegedly) riding dirty with this woman:
Sen. Bedwards & his baby's mama?
