Left Admits: We Were Kidding About Free Speech

After several recent incidents involving leftists seeking to intimidate or squelch speech, including physically intimidating blogger Michelle Malkin and Fox News reporter Griff Jenkins and seeking to shut down anti-Obama television advertising, the Left has officially admitted that they really don’t believe in free speech.  Official Left spokeswomyn Harold Scrottle, a transsexual, said “We routinely claim free speech as one of our guiding principles, but we can longer say that with a straight face.  Look at our embrace of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine to squelch conservative talk radio.  We on the Left like to think of ‘free speech’ as government sponsored art that involves a crucifix in urine or elephant dung on the Virgin Mary, not anyone advocating an opinion we find offensive, such as cutting taxes.”  Scrottle, who will be using the same surgeon Keith Olbermann used for his sex reassignment surgery , went on to mention college speech codes, hate crimes laws, and campaign finance reform as other examples of the Left’s lack of free speech credentials.  ”It was hard to believe that after we took those stands that anyone actually took us serious as free speech supporters.”  He went on to laugh about how the Left “will try to stifle conservatives they ridiculously label as Nazis such as Rush Limbaugh, but will defend the right of free speech of actual Nazis.” After the Left failed to defend the right of journalists to print the Muhammad cartoons, many on the Left wondered how long the charade of supporting free speech would be able to continue.  Scrottle says the decision to admit the truth was difficult, but necessary, before adding, “If you actually print this article, we will accuse you of being a fascist and against free speech.”

D’s Worried Over Republican Smears, Dirty Tricks, Spin

The Obama campaign headquarters buzzed with energy yesterday afternoon, but there was a sense of foreboding among staffers.  ”We are just waiting for the Rove/Bush spin machine to kick into high gear and turn Obama into somebody we wouldn’t recognize,” said campaign strategist Harold Scrottle, taking a break from planning a campaign ad aimed at convincing voters that John McCain, a former POW, doesn’t support America’s veterans.  ”But what keeps us up at night is the anticipation of the dirty smears, the swift-boating, that will be attempted against Obama,” worried Scrottle, who paused briefly to read an email from a 527 group asking for input on an internet effort to spread the idea that McCain has become senile.  ”We are planning to face a barrage of lies about Obama’s past statements.  They will lie and twist everything Barack has said,” lamented Scrottle, before posting a blog entry on Obama’s website accusing McCain of advocating more American casualties by wanting troops to stay in Iraq forever.   “We will have a hard time fighting back against the Republican echo chamber of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and Rush Limbaugh,” Scrottle fretted before heading out the door for interviews with ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and USA Today.

In other fake election news . . .

Media Outraged Over Obama Accusations Against Obama

Obama/Biden Ticket Worries Environmentalists

Fear spread throughout the environmentalist community early Saturday morning as the news that Barack Obama had chosen Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate.  National environmentalist groups are worried that the Obama/Biden ticket would vastly increase the dangers and imminence of global warming, as a result of the combination of hot air released from both candidates.  “This will lead to more hurricanes, an increase in the death of polar bears, and the end of Antarctica as we know it,” claimed activist Harold Scrottle, the head of the Faction for Alleviating Global Warming.  Although the similarities between the two makes them almost indistinguishable,  Scrottle went on to say that the Democratic ticket is more of a danger to the environment than cow flatulence.  Environmentalist Al Gore was unavailable for comment as he was aboard his private plane.

Political Consultant Actually Unemployed

Local resident Harold Scrottle, who calls himself a “political consultant,” is actually unemployed.  Scrottle introduces himself as a political consultant when he attends political events and emails local politicians, despite having never been hired in that capacity, although he did run a local political auxiliary for three weeks before it collapsed.  He now refers to himself as chairman emeritus.  He has no real experience running campaigns, has only dreamt of running for office, and has an associate degree in hotel management, but still likes to portray himself as a political insider with something to offer candidates. Despite years of networking political events, Scrottle has yet to be offered a job, even as a volunteer.  Scrottle once ran into Washington Post columnist George Will at the grocery store and introduced himself as a fellow pundit, as he once had a letter published in his local newspaper.

Media Outraged Over Obama Accusations By Obama

A media firestorm erupted Wednesday night as allegations involving drug use and religion swirled around Democrat nominee Barack Obama.  The furor started when Obama claimed that Obama had smoked marijuana and used cocaine when he was younger.  Obama then went on to accuse Obama of having a Muslim stepfather and of having grown up in Indonesia, a majority Islamic country.  “In a scurrilous new attack, Sen. Obama is the victim of discredited allegations,” Campbell Brown said as she opened CNN’s Election Center.  The New York Times is expected to editorialize tomorrow morning that “these allegations have repeatedly been proven false and are just dirty politics.”  (The editorial is expected only because it hasn’t been published yet, but was already released as a statement from the Democrat National Committee.)  As a result of these allegations against Obama by Obama, Keith Olbermann is expected to name Obama the Worst Person In The World tonight, but only if he can find his last pair of adult Depends.

Other media notes . . . In unrelated news, CNN producer Harold Scrottle inadvertently forgot to add a conservative guest to the four person political panel on tonight’s Larry King Live . . . A recent survey found that 80% of the network evening news, 65% of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer, and 78% of all NPR programming is actually plagiarized from that morning’s New York Times.

In other fake news: Area Liberal Scoffs At Ignorance Of Others

Breaking News: Sen. Edwards Not Gay

Denominations In Church Of Obama

Exclusive: Transcript Of Obama’s Marriage Proposal

Daily Show Writer Regrets Obama Joke

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart head writer Harold Scrottle laments the joke he wrote for last night’s show that gently poked fun at Democrat nominee Barack Obama.  During the show opening, Stewart lightly made fun of Obama’s new embrace of an energy policy compromise.  Scrottle immediately regretted coming up with the joke, fearing it could lead to an Obama loss in November.  He still blames himself for John Kerry’s loss in 2004, after Jay Leno used some of his jokes that mildly teased the Massachusetts senator about his hair.

Area Liberal Scoffs At Ignorance Of Others

Portland, OR – Local resident Harold Scrottle frequently finds himself scoffing at the ignorance of those around him.  “It’s amazing,” he said, as he sat at an outside table at The Hammer & Sickle, a self-styled progressive cafe in the northeast section of town.  “Just listen to the nonsense coming out of people’s mouths.  It’s clear they only listen to Rush Limbaugh or watch Faux, I mean Fox, News,” he continued, laughing uproariously at his wordplay.  As he sipped a cup of organic, fair trade coffee that he had sweetened with organic turbinado sugar before adding soy milk, he expressed his frustration with this segment of society.  “I know these people are ignorant.  I watch and listen to a wide variety of programming to have a global perspective,” Scrottle stated, before naming his news sources as Amy Goodman, Al Jazeera, Jon Stewart, and Keith Olbermann.  Scrottle lit an American Spirit cigarette, then continued: “I mean, Limbaugh and Faux, I mean Fox, News just endlessly repeat stories that Sen. Obama is a secret Muslim and an atheist homosexual.  That is a fact.”  When asked if he had heard or seen this himself, he admitted to having never heard Limbaugh or seen Fox News, but had read all about the media outlets on either the Democrat Underground or Daily Kos website.  “When I hear these right wing, mind-numbed robots repeat their talking points on the so-called ‘War on Terror,’ I cringe at their ignorance.  But they don’t have the academic background I do,” said Scrottle, who once took a class on the Middle East while earning his associate degree in conflict resolution from the local community college.  He adjusted his beret, wiped the Che chili off of his beard, and headed for his bicycle, resigned to the ignorance he was sure to encounter on his way back to the studio apartment he shares with four roommates.

Library To Close Book Section

The local library has decided to shut down its book section in order to increase attendance.  The space will be used to expand the DVD and CD collections, which showcase the best in non-educational movies and music.  The library will also increase Internet access, including private viewing booths, expected to be very popular among the homeless and registered sex offenders.  The book section became less and less popular as more library patrons bought a coffee at the Starbucks kiosk that was added two years ago on their way to renting a DVD or CD.  Harold Scrottle, the head librarian, said, “The library has been moving away from lending books for years.  This was just the culmination of what the public wants.”  The library board will soon ask to put a bond measure in front of the voters in November to allow them to increase their Blu-ray offerings.