Now at Edwardsreport.com!

We’ve moved!  Now at Edwardsreport.com!  New contributors!  An awesome logo! More posts!  More features! More ads!  Now gluten free! The same lame, right wing Onion rip-off! Yeah!  Edwardsreport.com! Edwardsreport.com! Edwardsreport.com!  Everybody’s smoking Edwardsreport.com, why don’t you?  Are you chicken?  It feels good, trust me.  You’ll like it.  Edwardsreport.com.

BREAKING NEWS: Obama’s Marriage Proposal

EXCLUSIVE

[MUST CREDIT EDWARDSREPORT]

The Obama campaign is furious that a transcript of Sen. Obama’s marriage proposal to Michelle was leaked to the media.  The MSM refuses to publish the information, but because this website never attended Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, we know a good story when we find it!

(Begin)

Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for.  I am more than your suitor, but rather I have become a symbol of the possibilities of marriage. After our first twenty years of marriage, you will look back on this moment as the time that your loneliness began to recede and your heart began to heal.  This is the moment that will end divorce and secure marriage.  I promise to provide you with care when you are sick and a job if you lose yours.  Let there be no new walls to divide us.  Now is the moment to say yes.  The odds you will say yes are very good so I’ve already told my family and friends we are engaged, as well as scheduled the wedding.

(Barack Obama stops reading from teleprompter, looks down confidently to Michelle.)

(End)

Church of Obama, Denominations (Re-post!)

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism.  Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written.  They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included).  They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events.  They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren’t certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older.  Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations.  For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects.  This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world.  After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II:  I failed to mention some denominations.  My favorite: the Islamaobamas.  As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama.  Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama.  The most famous adherent would be Ludacris.  Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays.

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS!  NRO ROCKS!  You’re kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!   A history of this website.  The author, Scott Edwards, is a long time advocate of equal rights for homo sapiens, as well as a popular author who has written under the noms de plume Danielle Steel, Ernest Hemingway, and Shakespeare.  For his bio, click here.

The Church Of Obama (Bumped)

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism.  Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written.  They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included).  They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events.  They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren’t certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older.  Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations.  For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects.  This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world.  After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II:  I failed to mention some denominations.  My favorite: the Islamaobamas.  As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama.  Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama.  The most famous adherent would be Ludacris.  Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays. 

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS!  NRO ROCKS!  You’re kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!   A history of this website.  The author, Scott Edwards, is a long time advocate of equal rights for homo sapiens, as well as a popular author who has written under the noms de plume Danielle Steel, Ernest Hemingway, and Shakespeare.  For his bio, click here.

Permalink:http://edwardsreport.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/the-church-of-obama

A Short History Of The Edwards Report

The Edwards Report blog was not always the premier site for free market economic analysis, in depth literary critiques, and fart jokes.  This blog was originally founded by Jonathan Edwards, the fiery theologian, in 1755.  At first, there were not many visitors because the Internet would not be invented by Leslie Gore for many, many years.  The original mission of the blog was to ensure the moral purity and rectitude of the land by campaigning against alcohol, tobacco, and short hemlines, a purpose that this website still seeks to uphold to this very day. 

            After Mr. Edwards’ death, the website was edited by another noted theologian, Jesse Edwards.  This blog then became known as the leading site for biblical scholarship, a reputation still intact over two hundred years later.   

            Gen. Oliver Edwards then inherited the website, but was too busy fighting the Civil War to add much content.  He was there the night they drove old Dixie down.  In fact, he is the one who took the very best from Virgil Cain.

            Author John Edwards brought a more literary spirit to the Edwards Report, but he was much better known for having NOT impregnated his mistress while his wife was battling cancer.

            The Edwards Report then went on hiatus for several years, as there were no famous Edwards’ during this time. 

            Finally, The Edwards Report was revived by Edwin Edwards, but was quickly shelfed when Edwards was elected governor of Lousiana, where he was known for bringing unprecendented levels of integrity and honesty to the office.  He plans on returning to The Edwards Report as soon as he is released from federal prison.

            A few years ago, The Edwards Report was revived by psychic John Edward, who changed the name to The Edward Report.  The current editor, Scott Edwards, was able to take back the domain name when it expired and changed the name back.  Somehow, John Edward did not see this coming.  And there you have a short history of nearly everything about the Edwards Report.  Eat your heart out, Bill Bryson.

If This Is Your First Time, Take My Hand

As Conway Twitty once sang, I can tell you’ve never been this far (on my blog) before.  There have been many new visitors to this blog in the last few days, and I want you to know it’s okay to be nervous.  To make you more comfortable, I will tell you a bit more about this site and myself.  First, I’ve had quite a few jobs before I started blogging.  I am a man of many talents, and have often been hired to teach others new skills.  I have given ski lessons to Sonny Bono, flight lessons to John Denver, locution lessons to George W. Bush, driving lessons to Ted Kennedy, and taught Hunter Thompson how to aim a gun.  I have also been involved in some things I’m not proud about: I gave Barack Obama his first line of oratory, Jerry Nadler his first doughnut, Barney Frank his first lollipop, and introduced Lindsay Lohan to some dude who is a deejay.  I was once a nude centerfold for The Nation, but I was young and needed the money.  That Katrina Vanden Heuvel is very persuasive.  I hope that let’s you know a bit more about me and my blog.  Please no jokes about this post being shorter or quicker than you expected.  Please check in to the website as often Britney Spears checks into rehab.

But enough about me.  For the history of the website, click here.

I Kissed A Girl, Too (But I Didn’t Get A Hit Song Out Of It)

The latest stats show that this esteemed website just set a record for most visitors in a day, and is now on its way to another record day.  According to the last Nielson Internet ratings, The Edwards Report now ranks first among obese, one-armed, flatulent, alcoholic, Marlboro Red smoking, frigid, mute, Nepalese immigrant housewives, an often overlooked demographic.  I was once known as the man who kissed a girl, took her to the candy shop, and brought back sexy all in one afternoon before Kate Perry, 50 cent, and Justine Timberlack were born.  Now I shall be remembered for giving a voice to this underserved community.  I could not be prouder.  God bless you, Kanti!
UPDATE: Several of you have corrected me that the singer who attempted but failed to bring sexy back was not a female singer called Justine Timberlack, but a hermaphroditic singer known as Justin Timberlake, who is quite popular among homosexuals and fat women.  My apologies.

UPDATE II: Headline and wording altered slightly.  Get over it.