Oprah Cult Not Fully Joining Obama Cult

Oprah Winfrey, an afternoon talk show host who reached great achievement in a male dominated world and who encourages women to achieve in a male dominated world, is against allowing Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to run as vice president on the Republican ticket, on her show.  Winfrey’s staff is divided by the decision, as is Oprah’s cult.  Oprah, who tried to transfer her cult to Obama’s cult during his battle against another woman seeking achievement in a male dominated world, has been surprised at the angry reaction from disillusioned members of her own cult, who took to heart her words of encouragement for female achievement in a male dominated world.  Dr. Phil is expected to intervene if there are any television cameras used to cover the controversy.

Undecided Voter Shaken By DNC Convention

Local undecided voter Dick Johnson was deeply shaken after watching this week’s Democrat Convention.  ”I watched all evening, all week, and it really opened up my eyes.  I go to work every day and take care of my family, so I’m really busy, but I had no idea that America was in such bad shape.  I didn’t realize that half the country lived under their local bridge, or that only Halliburton executives were allowed decent health care,” said Johnson.  He went on to wonder how the Republicans could have nominated Sen. John McCain as their presidential nominee.  ”At first I thought he was an American hero,” Johnson explained, “but after watching the DNC convention I discovered that he hates those who serve in the military, wants to take away school lunches from poor children, and likes to snap the heads off of kittens.”  Johnson now leans toward Obama.

D’s Worried Over Republican Smears, Dirty Tricks, Spin

The Obama campaign headquarters buzzed with energy yesterday afternoon, but there was a sense of foreboding among staffers.  ”We are just waiting for the Rove/Bush spin machine to kick into high gear and turn Obama into somebody we wouldn’t recognize,” said campaign strategist Harold Scrottle, taking a break from planning a campaign ad aimed at convincing voters that John McCain, a former POW, doesn’t support America’s veterans.  ”But what keeps us up at night is the anticipation of the dirty smears, the swift-boating, that will be attempted against Obama,” worried Scrottle, who paused briefly to read an email from a 527 group asking for input on an internet effort to spread the idea that McCain has become senile.  ”We are planning to face a barrage of lies about Obama’s past statements.  They will lie and twist everything Barack has said,” lamented Scrottle, before posting a blog entry on Obama’s website accusing McCain of advocating more American casualties by wanting troops to stay in Iraq forever.   “We will have a hard time fighting back against the Republican echo chamber of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and Rush Limbaugh,” Scrottle fretted before heading out the door for interviews with ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and USA Today.

In other fake election news . . .

Media Outraged Over Obama Accusations Against Obama

Exclusive: Biden’s VP Speech Revealed!

Impacting Hard

Exclusive sources deep within the DNC have revealed Sen. Joe Biden’s vice presidential acceptance speech, causing an uproar among Obama campaign staffers.  Biden is not expected to address plagiarism charges leveled against him.  Here are selected excerpts from Biden’s speech:

I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.

Thank you.

We are here — thank you — We are here tonight — We are here tonight because we love our country.

We’re proud of what America is and what it can become.

My fellow Americans, we’re here tonight united in one purpose: to make America stronger at home and respected in the world.

The rest of Biden’s speech can be read here.

Jo’ Bama Jokes

Jo’ Bama talks so much his mouth is like a convenience store, open 24 hours a day.

Please add your own in the comments section.

More to come.

Obama/Biden Ticket Worries Environmentalists

Fear spread throughout the environmentalist community early Saturday morning as the news that Barack Obama had chosen Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate.  National environmentalist groups are worried that the Obama/Biden ticket would vastly increase the dangers and imminence of global warming, as a result of the combination of hot air released from both candidates.  “This will lead to more hurricanes, an increase in the death of polar bears, and the end of Antarctica as we know it,” claimed activist Harold Scrottle, the head of the Faction for Alleviating Global Warming.  Although the similarities between the two makes them almost indistinguishable,  Scrottle went on to say that the Democratic ticket is more of a danger to the environment than cow flatulence.  Environmentalist Al Gore was unavailable for comment as he was aboard his private plane.

Breaking News: Obama Picks Obama As Veep

The AP is reporting that Democrat nominee Barack Obama has picked himself to be his vice presidential candidate.  Obama was quoted as saying, “When it came to a running mate who would be experienced enough to help me reverse global warming, make the lame walk, heal the sick, cure cancer, and bring peace on earth, I knew there was only one man qualified to do that.  Truly, I am the one I have been waiting for.”  It has been confirmed that when Obama asked Obama to be his vice president, Obama responded by looking defiantly into the distance before reading the following off of his teleprompter: “I accept.  This is the moment that the obesity epidemic began to recede, your acne started to clear up, and Chevy Chase started to be funny again.”  Afterwards, Obama and Obama turned a loaf of bread and a few pieces of fish into organic, locally grown arugula, edamame and free range chicken in order to feed the hungry.

In other political news . . .

Arianna Admits: HuffPo A Parody

Gore Blames Recent Hot Weather On Global Warming

Media Outraged Over Obama Allegations Against Obama

Gore: Recent Hot Weather Result Of Global Warming

Former Vice President Albert Gore claimed yesterday that the recent spate of hot weather was a result of global warming.  ”All across America, we have seen temperatures rise in the last few months,” he said.  “Anyone who denies this is global warming is obviously akin to Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, or, even worse, Rush Limbaugh.”  There was no reaction from anyone in the entire country, as they were all enjoying the summer weather.  In other weather news, Sen. Obama has recommended using diplomacy to stop Fay from becoming a hurricane.  If that doesn’t work, he will simply hold out his hand in a stop gesture, which is expected to cause the potential hurricane to dissipate immediately.

Media Outraged Over Obama Accusations By Obama

A media firestorm erupted Wednesday night as allegations involving drug use and religion swirled around Democrat nominee Barack Obama.  The furor started when Obama claimed that Obama had smoked marijuana and used cocaine when he was younger.  Obama then went on to accuse Obama of having a Muslim stepfather and of having grown up in Indonesia, a majority Islamic country.  “In a scurrilous new attack, Sen. Obama is the victim of discredited allegations,” Campbell Brown said as she opened CNN’s Election Center.  The New York Times is expected to editorialize tomorrow morning that “these allegations have repeatedly been proven false and are just dirty politics.”  (The editorial is expected only because it hasn’t been published yet, but was already released as a statement from the Democrat National Committee.)  As a result of these allegations against Obama by Obama, Keith Olbermann is expected to name Obama the Worst Person In The World tonight, but only if he can find his last pair of adult Depends.

Other media notes . . . In unrelated news, CNN producer Harold Scrottle inadvertently forgot to add a conservative guest to the four person political panel on tonight’s Larry King Live . . . A recent survey found that 80% of the network evening news, 65% of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer, and 78% of all NPR programming is actually plagiarized from that morning’s New York Times.

In other fake news: Area Liberal Scoffs At Ignorance Of Others

Breaking News: Sen. Edwards Not Gay

Denominations In Church Of Obama

Exclusive: Transcript Of Obama’s Marriage Proposal

Daily Show Writer Regrets Obama Joke

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart head writer Harold Scrottle laments the joke he wrote for last night’s show that gently poked fun at Democrat nominee Barack Obama.  During the show opening, Stewart lightly made fun of Obama’s new embrace of an energy policy compromise.  Scrottle immediately regretted coming up with the joke, fearing it could lead to an Obama loss in November.  He still blames himself for John Kerry’s loss in 2004, after Jay Leno used some of his jokes that mildly teased the Massachusetts senator about his hair.

BREAKING NEWS: Obama’s Marriage Proposal

EXCLUSIVE

[MUST CREDIT EDWARDSREPORT]

The Obama campaign is furious that a transcript of Sen. Obama’s marriage proposal to Michelle was leaked to the media.  The MSM refuses to publish the information, but because this website never attended Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, we know a good story when we find it!

(Begin)

Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for.  I am more than your suitor, but rather I have become a symbol of the possibilities of marriage. After our first twenty years of marriage, you will look back on this moment as the time that your loneliness began to recede and your heart began to heal.  This is the moment that will end divorce and secure marriage.  I promise to provide you with care when you are sick and a job if you lose yours.  Let there be no new walls to divide us.  Now is the moment to say yes.  The odds you will say yes are very good so I’ve already told my family and friends we are engaged, as well as scheduled the wedding.

(Barack Obama stops reading from teleprompter, looks down confidently to Michelle.)

(End)

Obama: McCain Campaign Racist

In response to repeated criticisms of his tax plan from Sen. McCain, Sen. Obama and his campaign have returned fire, accusing the campaign of blatant racism.  After McCain said Obama wanted to raise taxes, Obama quickly said this was an attempt to bring attention to his race, playing into the vicious stereotype that all blacks want to raise taxes.  Obama staffer Harold Scrottle released a statement decrying “McCain’s effort to play on the bigoted fears of Americans who unfairly associate a capital gains tax increase with the African-American community.”  Obama himself later addressed the issue when he said, “The Republicans are going to try to make an issue of that fact that I don’t look like all those guys on the coins because I’m not made of zinc or copper.  Or that the color of my skin is a reason to fear that I will raise your payroll tax.”   The NAACP responded to McCain’s comments by demanding new government programs to address persistent racism in America, but did not make a suggestion on how to fund the new programs. The KKK did not issue a statement, as its three remaining members are awaiting trial on charges of molesting a dead horse.

McCain’s Secret Strategy

The Left has been fretting for sometime about a possible “swift-boating” of Sen. Obama, as well as constantly complaining about rumor-based whispering campaigns.  They have every reason to worry.  I have discovered Sen. McCain’s secret dirty campaigning tactic: his associates are going to start a rumor that Sen. Obama is black.  This is expected to ruin Obama’s chance to be president, knocking him out of front-runner status since America is such a racist country.  The Clinton campaign had planned to start the rumor to destroy Obama’s campaign during the Democrat primary but backed away at the last minute, as Bill was worried about a threat from Rev. Jackson.  It is feared among the Obama camp that if some Americans begin to believe that Obama is black, his poll numbers will plummet because America is such a racist country.  His campaign believes that if this rumor had become ingrained in the psyches of voters earlier, Obama would have never gotten this far because, as we all know, America is a racist country.

The Church Of Obama (Bumped)

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism.  Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written.  They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included).  They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events.  They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren’t certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older.  Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations.  For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects.  This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world.  After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II:  I failed to mention some denominations.  My favorite: the Islamaobamas.  As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama.  Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama.  The most famous adherent would be Ludacris.  Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays. 

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS!  NRO ROCKS!  You’re kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!   A history of this website.  The author, Scott Edwards, is a long time advocate of equal rights for homo sapiens, as well as a popular author who has written under the noms de plume Danielle Steel, Ernest Hemingway, and Shakespeare.  For his bio, click here.

Permalink:http://edwardsreport.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/the-church-of-obama

Top 7 Reasons Obama Is A Celeb

The controversy continues to boil around the McCain ad that labels Sen. Obama a celebrity with pictures of Britney and Paris in the background.  Here are my top reasons Barack is a celebrity:

1) His students labeled themselves his “groupies.”

2) He draws enormous crowds of obsessive, lonely, creepy fans.

3) On his way to a nightclub, he was once caught by the paparazzi getting out of his limo in a miniskirt sans panties. 

4) He is eloquent onscreen, but is not quite as articulate without a script.

5) He preaches sacrifices for the environment while being whisked around in SUVs and private planes.

6) Page Six once claimed he was canoodling (in this case, the word means emailing) with Scarlett Johansson.

7) Did blow.