Oprah Winfrey, an afternoon talk show host who reached great achievement in a male dominated world and who encourages women to achieve in a male dominated world, is against allowing Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to run as vice president on the Republican ticket, on her show. Winfrey’s staff is divided by the decision, as is Oprah’s cult. Oprah, who tried to transfer her cult to Obama’s cult during his battle against another woman seeking achievement in a male dominated world, has been surprised at the angry reaction from disillusioned members of her own cult, who took to heart her words of encouragement for female achievement in a male dominated world. Dr. Phil is expected to intervene if there are any television cameras used to cover the controversy.
After several recent incidents involving leftists seeking to intimidate or squelch speech, including physically intimidating blogger Michelle Malkin and Fox News reporter Griff Jenkins and seeking to shut down anti-Obama television advertising, the Left has officially admitted that they really don’t believe in free speech. Official Left spokeswomyn Harold Scrottle, a transsexual, said “We routinely claim free speech as one of our guiding principles, but we can longer say that with a straight face. Look at our embrace of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine to squelch conservative talk radio. We on the Left like to think of ‘free speech’ as government sponsored art that involves a crucifix in urine or elephant dung on the Virgin Mary, not anyone advocating an opinion we find offensive, such as cutting taxes.” Scrottle, who will be using the same surgeon Keith Olbermann used for his sex reassignment surgery , went on to mention college speech codes, hate crimes laws, and campaign finance reform as other examples of the Left’s lack of free speech credentials. ”It was hard to believe that after we took those stands that anyone actually took us serious as free speech supporters.” He went on to laugh about how the Left “will try to stifle conservatives they ridiculously label as Nazis such as Rush Limbaugh, but will defend the right of free speech of actual Nazis.” After the Left failed to defend the right of journalists to print the Muhammad cartoons, many on the Left wondered how long the charade of supporting free speech would be able to continue. Scrottle says the decision to admit the truth was difficult, but necessary, before adding, “If you actually print this article, we will accuse you of being a fascist and against free speech.”
The AP is reporting that Democrat nominee Barack Obama has picked himself to be his vice presidential candidate. Obama was quoted as saying, “When it came to a running mate who would be experienced enough to help me reverse global warming, make the lame walk, heal the sick, cure cancer, and bring peace on earth, I knew there was only one man qualified to do that. Truly, I am the one I have been waiting for.” It has been confirmed that when Obama asked Obama to be his vice president, Obama responded by looking defiantly into the distance before reading the following off of his teleprompter: “I accept. This is the moment that the obesity epidemic began to recede, your acne started to clear up, and Chevy Chase started to be funny again.” Afterwards, Obama and Obama turned a loaf of bread and a few pieces of fish into organic, locally grown arugula, edamame and free range chicken in order to feed the hungry.
Despite an enormous anti-smoking campaign involving hundreds of millions of dollars, a recent survey of 15-30 year olds found that smoking is still cool. In fact, data from the survey shows that the coolness of smoking increases as the government spends more money and imposes more regulations against smoking. In related news, a just released scientific study has found that the anti-smoking campaign focusing on the addictive properties of tobacco did not decrease the number of new smokers, but did discourage current smokers from trying to quit.
A media firestorm erupted Wednesday night as allegations involving drug use and religion swirled around Democrat nominee Barack Obama. The furor started when Obama claimed that Obama had smoked marijuana and used cocaine when he was younger. Obama then went on to accuse Obama of having a Muslim stepfather and of having grown up in Indonesia, a majority Islamic country. “In a scurrilous new attack, Sen. Obama is the victim of discredited allegations,” Campbell Brown said as she opened CNN’s Election Center. The New York Times is expected to editorialize tomorrow morning that “these allegations have repeatedly been proven false and are just dirty politics.” (The editorial is expected only because it hasn’t been published yet, but was already released as a statement from the Democrat National Committee.) As a result of these allegations against Obama by Obama, Keith Olbermann is expected to name Obama the Worst Person In The World tonight, but only if he can find his last pair of adult Depends.
Other media notes . . . In unrelated news, CNN producer Harold Scrottle inadvertently forgot to add a conservative guest to the four person political panel on tonight’s Larry King Live . . . A recent survey found that 80% of the network evening news, 65% of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer, and 78% of all NPR programming is actually plagiarized from that morning’s New York Times.
My good friend Felipe “Fritz” O’Malley recently pointed out that this august website has had more hits in the last week than Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has sold copies of her new book Know Your Power. Her literary masterpiece is a collection of plastic surgery horror stories.
Yesterday, famed socialite Paris Hilton rocked the political world with allegations of plagiarism against presumed Republican nominee John McCain. Ms. Hilton claimed that McCain appropriated his energy policy from her without acknowledging authorship. She said that “Drill Here, Drill Now” had been her dating policy since she was 15, and requested McCain either giver her credit or change his policy.
Will the Brits save pop music? It appears we have another musical British invasion: Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and now the Ting-Tings. From across the Atlantic, we have been shown the way to reinvigorate and reinvent the morose pop music scene, making this genre fun again. The Ting Tings music is nothing more than fun, uncomplicated pop music. In other words, the Ting Tings’ music is like Courtney Love’s crotch: it is both easily accessible and highly infectious. THIS POST HAS MOVED TO HERE. Visit our new site here.
The controversy continues to boil around the McCain ad that labels Sen. Obama a celebrity with pictures of Britney and Paris in the background. Here are my top reasons Barack is a celebrity:
1) His students labeled themselves his “groupies.”
2) He draws enormous crowds of obsessive, lonely, creepy fans.
3) On his way to a nightclub, he was once caught by the paparazzi getting out of his limo in a miniskirt sans panties.
4) He is eloquent onscreen, but is not quite as articulate without a script.
5) He preaches sacrifices for the environment while being whisked around in SUVs and private planes.
6) Page Six once claimed he was canoodling (in this case, the word means emailing) with Scarlett Johansson.
The bicycle extremists continue their violent rampage against innocent Americans. The latest example of cycle rage comes from Seattle, a wealthier, more diverse version of the lunacy known as Portland, Oregon. The AP reports that the incident ended when:
The car stopped a block down and the bicyclists surrounded the car. One biker punched the driver through an open window and another used a knife to slash the tires.
When the driver got out of the car, a male suspect struck him with an unknown object in the back of the head. The driver was taken to the hospital. His female companion was not injured.
It seems cyclists are deliberately targeting one group for their violent assaults. This would be an example of both profiling and hate crimes, and, as we all know, those things are wrong. When will we have a candlelight vigil for motorists? When the term “biker gang” is mentioned, the mind does not conjure images of violent hippies wearing hemp spandex. But then the Northwest is always on the cutting edge of leftist trends.
I should mention that a motorist insurgency has been provoked by the violent bicyclists. A recent example:
Madame Toussauds recently unveiled a wax replica of singer/trainwreck Amy Winehouse. The waxword is very detailed, and includes her famous beehive, excessive eyeliner, colorful minidress, skanky tattoos, and early stage emphysema. To make the waxwork as real as possible, the wax was made with a hemp/hydrochloride mix. The diva’s parents attended for her, as Ms. Winehouse was busy being in the fetal position in her basement screaming that the government had taken her baby.
Have you been Rickrolled? The phenomenon is spreading throughout the web. How does it work? You put a link on your site to something that instead of taking you to the site you expected goes to a video of Rick Astley singing the Bob Marley classic “Never Gonna Give You Up.” For an example, click here.
Ha! That’s right sucker, you were just Jellyrolled!
The Edwards Report blog was not always the premier site for free market economic analysis, in depth literary critiques, and fart jokes.This blog was originally founded by Jonathan Edwards, the fiery theologian, in 1755.At first, there were not many visitors because the Internet would not be invented by Leslie Gore for many, many years.The original mission of the blog was to ensure the moral purity and rectitude of the land by campaigning against alcohol, tobacco, and short hemlines, a purpose that this website still seeks to uphold to this very day.
After Mr. Edwards’ death, the website was edited by another noted theologian, Jesse Edwards.This blog then became known as the leading site for biblical scholarship, a reputation still intact over two hundred years later.
Gen. Oliver Edwards then inherited the website, but was too busy fighting the Civil War to add much content.He was there the night they drove old Dixie down.In fact, he is the one who took the very best from Virgil Cain.
Author John Edwards brought a more literary spirit to the Edwards Report, but he was much better known for having NOT impregnated his mistress while his wife was battling cancer.
The Edwards Report then went on hiatus for several years, as there were no famous Edwards’ during this time.
Finally, The Edwards Report was revived by Edwin Edwards, but was quickly shelfed when Edwards was elected governor of Lousiana, where he was known for bringing unprecendented levels of integrity and honesty to the office. He plans on returning to The Edwards Report as soon as he is released from federal prison.
A few years ago, The Edwards Report was revived by psychic John Edward, who changed the name to The Edward Report.The current editor, Scott Edwards, was able to take back the domain name when it expired and changed the name back.Somehow, John Edward did not see this coming.And there you have a short history of nearly everything about the Edwards Report.Eat your heart out, Bill Bryson.
As Conway Twitty once sang, I can tell you’ve never been this far (on my blog) before. There have been many new visitors to this blog in the last few days, and I want you to know it’s okay to be nervous. To make you more comfortable, I will tell you a bit more about this site and myself. First, I’ve had quite a few jobs before I started blogging. I am a man of many talents, and have often been hired to teach others new skills. I have given ski lessons to Sonny Bono, flight lessons to John Denver, locution lessons to George W. Bush, driving lessons to Ted Kennedy, and taught Hunter Thompson how to aim a gun. I have also been involved in some things I’m not proud about: I gave Barack Obama his first line of oratory, Jerry Nadler his first doughnut, Barney Frank his first lollipop, and introduced Lindsay Lohan to some dude who is a deejay. I was once a nude centerfold for The Nation, but I was young and needed the money. That Katrina Vanden Heuvel is very persuasive. I hope that let’s you know a bit more about me and my blog. Please no jokes about this post being shorter or quicker than you expected. Please check in to the website as often Britney Spears checks into rehab.
But enough about me. For the history of the website, click here.
Mr. Edwards, a longtime observer of politics, Lawrence Welk reruns, and the Victoria’s Secret catalog, has a real job besides blogging about politics, pop culture, and the latest fashions from his home in the Pacific Northwest. He is a successful author who has written under the noms de plume Agatha Christie, Oscar Wilde, and Shakespeare. He thinks he's clever by making obscure pop culture references. He reads too many liberal newspapers, and thus drinks heavily. He eats raw steak and drinks Jack Daniels for breakfast. He hates children, animals, and cuddling, and is surprisingly still single. He holds a bachelors degree in political science, or as he calls it, a BS in BS. He was once hired to be a performance artist, but was fired due to having talent and a future. He is so pomo he has become ironically detached from reality. He has frequently been praised for having the racial sensitivity of Don Imus, the moral rectitude of Larry Flynt, and the communication skills of a young Helen Keller. He is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest collection of Precious Moments figurines. You can contact him at edwardsreport@gmail.com.
