Oprah Cult Not Fully Joining Obama Cult

Oprah Winfrey, an afternoon talk show host who reached great achievement in a male dominated world and who encourages women to achieve in a male dominated world, is against allowing Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to run as vice president on the Republican ticket, on her show.  Winfrey’s staff is divided by the decision, as is Oprah’s cult.  Oprah, who tried to transfer her cult to Obama’s cult during his battle against another woman seeking achievement in a male dominated world, has been surprised at the angry reaction from disillusioned members of her own cult, who took to heart her words of encouragement for female achievement in a male dominated world.  Dr. Phil is expected to intervene if there are any television cameras used to cover the controversy.

Left Admits: We Were Kidding About Free Speech

After several recent incidents involving leftists seeking to intimidate or squelch speech, including physically intimidating blogger Michelle Malkin and Fox News reporter Griff Jenkins and seeking to shut down anti-Obama television advertising, the Left has officially admitted that they really don’t believe in free speech.  Official Left spokeswomyn Harold Scrottle, a transsexual, said “We routinely claim free speech as one of our guiding principles, but we can longer say that with a straight face.  Look at our embrace of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine to squelch conservative talk radio.  We on the Left like to think of ‘free speech’ as government sponsored art that involves a crucifix in urine or elephant dung on the Virgin Mary, not anyone advocating an opinion we find offensive, such as cutting taxes.”  Scrottle, who will be using the same surgeon Keith Olbermann used for his sex reassignment surgery , went on to mention college speech codes, hate crimes laws, and campaign finance reform as other examples of the Left’s lack of free speech credentials.  ”It was hard to believe that after we took those stands that anyone actually took us serious as free speech supporters.”  He went on to laugh about how the Left “will try to stifle conservatives they ridiculously label as Nazis such as Rush Limbaugh, but will defend the right of free speech of actual Nazis.” After the Left failed to defend the right of journalists to print the Muhammad cartoons, many on the Left wondered how long the charade of supporting free speech would be able to continue.  Scrottle says the decision to admit the truth was difficult, but necessary, before adding, “If you actually print this article, we will accuse you of being a fascist and against free speech.”

Breaking – New Palin Scandal!

Impacting Hard

The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged.  The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin’s 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl . . . THIS POST HAS MOVED.  CLICK HERE.  CHECK OUT THE EDWARDSREPORT.COM, THE RIGHT WING ONION RIP-OFF.

DC/NY Axis Outraged

Senator John McCain’s choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his running mate has set off alarm bells throughout the Beltway and into the media center of New York City.  Washington Lobbyist Bernice Satanica was deeply alarmed about McCain’s choice.  ”Palin’s so inexperienced.  She’s not familiar with Washington’s ways.  For example, she doesn’t know how to hide a lobbyist’s gift from public scrutiny.  She doesn’t know how to work the system to give tax dollars to your undeserving campaign donors.  She doesn’t know which local park is best to stash the bodies of political associates or former lovers.  She’ll be a disaster.”

In New York City, the reaction was just as swift.  ”I mean, my god, does she even read Frank Rich every Sunday?  Has she ever read Derrida or Foucault?  Is America really ready for that kind of president?” asked Paulette Kael, the literary editor of the New York Review of Books.  ”Look at her.  Her husband’s a union member who works with his hands, her son is in the military, she had to work for everything she has, she engages in hunting and fishing, and, my god, she has five kids, none of which are adopted from exotic countries.  This will seem so alien to voters.  I’m not sure how America will be able to relate to her.”

Not all of the consternation came from left of the political spectrum.  Regal Puddington III is the editor in chief of The Weekly Review, an obscure conservative literary journal.  As he lit his pipe and adjusted his bow tie, he asked: “Does she even know her Burke from her Locke? Her Mises from her Hayek?” Puddington, who has been to London, Paris, and other cosmopolitan cities around the world, but has yet to visit anywhere in America besides New York City, his ski chalet in Boulder, and his summer home in Martha’s Vineyard, considers himself an expert in Alaskan politics as he once read a Jack London novel in middle school.  ”I’m not sure America will be comfortable with a vice president who didn’t attend Dartmouth or Yale.”

Undecided Voter Shaken By DNC Convention

Local undecided voter Dick Johnson was deeply shaken after watching this week’s Democrat Convention.  ”I watched all evening, all week, and it really opened up my eyes.  I go to work every day and take care of my family, so I’m really busy, but I had no idea that America was in such bad shape.  I didn’t realize that half the country lived under their local bridge, or that only Halliburton executives were allowed decent health care,” said Johnson.  He went on to wonder how the Republicans could have nominated Sen. John McCain as their presidential nominee.  ”At first I thought he was an American hero,” Johnson explained, “but after watching the DNC convention I discovered that he hates those who serve in the military, wants to take away school lunches from poor children, and likes to snap the heads off of kittens.”  Johnson now leans toward Obama.

Exclusive: Biden’s VP Speech Revealed!

Impacting Hard

Exclusive sources deep within the DNC have revealed Sen. Joe Biden’s vice presidential acceptance speech, causing an uproar among Obama campaign staffers.  Biden is not expected to address plagiarism charges leveled against him.  Here are selected excerpts from Biden’s speech:

I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.

Thank you.

We are here — thank you — We are here tonight — We are here tonight because we love our country.

We’re proud of what America is and what it can become.

My fellow Americans, we’re here tonight united in one purpose: to make America stronger at home and respected in the world.

The rest of Biden’s speech can be read here.

Obama/Biden Ticket Worries Environmentalists

Fear spread throughout the environmentalist community early Saturday morning as the news that Barack Obama had chosen Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate.  National environmentalist groups are worried that the Obama/Biden ticket would vastly increase the dangers and imminence of global warming, as a result of the combination of hot air released from both candidates.  “This will lead to more hurricanes, an increase in the death of polar bears, and the end of Antarctica as we know it,” claimed activist Harold Scrottle, the head of the Faction for Alleviating Global Warming.  Although the similarities between the two makes them almost indistinguishable,  Scrottle went on to say that the Democratic ticket is more of a danger to the environment than cow flatulence.  Environmentalist Al Gore was unavailable for comment as he was aboard his private plane.

Breaking News: Obama Picks Obama As Veep

The AP is reporting that Democrat nominee Barack Obama has picked himself to be his vice presidential candidate.  Obama was quoted as saying, “When it came to a running mate who would be experienced enough to help me reverse global warming, make the lame walk, heal the sick, cure cancer, and bring peace on earth, I knew there was only one man qualified to do that.  Truly, I am the one I have been waiting for.”  It has been confirmed that when Obama asked Obama to be his vice president, Obama responded by looking defiantly into the distance before reading the following off of his teleprompter: “I accept.  This is the moment that the obesity epidemic began to recede, your acne started to clear up, and Chevy Chase started to be funny again.”  Afterwards, Obama and Obama turned a loaf of bread and a few pieces of fish into organic, locally grown arugula, edamame and free range chicken in order to feed the hungry.

In other political news . . .

Arianna Admits: HuffPo A Parody

Gore Blames Recent Hot Weather On Global Warming

Media Outraged Over Obama Allegations Against Obama

Political Consultant Actually Unemployed

Local resident Harold Scrottle, who calls himself a “political consultant,” is actually unemployed.  Scrottle introduces himself as a political consultant when he attends political events and emails local politicians, despite having never been hired in that capacity, although he did run a local political auxiliary for three weeks before it collapsed.  He now refers to himself as chairman emeritus.  He has no real experience running campaigns, has only dreamt of running for office, and has an associate degree in hotel management, but still likes to portray himself as a political insider with something to offer candidates. Despite years of networking political events, Scrottle has yet to be offered a job, even as a volunteer.  Scrottle once ran into Washington Post columnist George Will at the grocery store and introduced himself as a fellow pundit, as he once had a letter published in his local newspaper.

Survey: Smoking Still Cool

Despite an enormous anti-smoking campaign involving hundreds of millions of dollars, a recent survey of 15-30 year olds found that smoking is still cool.  In fact, data from the survey shows that the coolness of smoking increases as the government spends more money and imposes more regulations against smoking.  In related news, a just released scientific study has found that the anti-smoking campaign focusing on the addictive properties of tobacco did not decrease the number of new smokers, but did discourage current smokers from trying to quit.

Gore: Recent Hot Weather Result Of Global Warming

Former Vice President Albert Gore claimed yesterday that the recent spate of hot weather was a result of global warming.  ”All across America, we have seen temperatures rise in the last few months,” he said.  “Anyone who denies this is global warming is obviously akin to Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, or, even worse, Rush Limbaugh.”  There was no reaction from anyone in the entire country, as they were all enjoying the summer weather.  In other weather news, Sen. Obama has recommended using diplomacy to stop Fay from becoming a hurricane.  If that doesn’t work, he will simply hold out his hand in a stop gesture, which is expected to cause the potential hurricane to dissipate immediately.

Arianna Admits: HuffPo Actually A Parody

The blogging world was rocked yesterday when Huffington Post diva Arianna Huffington admitted that the entire website was, in fact, a parody.  “It’s all a joke,” said Arianna.  “From the vapid blog posts by smarmy d-list celebrities to the paranoid conspiratorial rantings of left wing hacks to the pretentious, overwrought prose of alleged writers, I can’t believe no one caught on that the website was an effort to expose the intellectual deficiencies of liberalism. Yes, it’s true.  I’m still a conservative, and the whole website was an effort to discredit the Left.”  Arianna went on to say that not only was she not really a leftist, but she wasn’t Greek either.  “When Michael first met me, I was actually a Bangkok prostitute living on the streets.” Arianna was quick to add, though, that her ex-husband, Michael, really is a homosexual.

In The Headlines . . .

*Bush: I May Have Misread Putin’s Soul

*Larry King Still Alive

*PBS Considers David Brooks A Conservative

Media Outraged Over Obama Accusations By Obama

A media firestorm erupted Wednesday night as allegations involving drug use and religion swirled around Democrat nominee Barack Obama.  The furor started when Obama claimed that Obama had smoked marijuana and used cocaine when he was younger.  Obama then went on to accuse Obama of having a Muslim stepfather and of having grown up in Indonesia, a majority Islamic country.  “In a scurrilous new attack, Sen. Obama is the victim of discredited allegations,” Campbell Brown said as she opened CNN’s Election Center.  The New York Times is expected to editorialize tomorrow morning that “these allegations have repeatedly been proven false and are just dirty politics.”  (The editorial is expected only because it hasn’t been published yet, but was already released as a statement from the Democrat National Committee.)  As a result of these allegations against Obama by Obama, Keith Olbermann is expected to name Obama the Worst Person In The World tonight, but only if he can find his last pair of adult Depends.

Other media notes . . . In unrelated news, CNN producer Harold Scrottle inadvertently forgot to add a conservative guest to the four person political panel on tonight’s Larry King Live . . . A recent survey found that 80% of the network evening news, 65% of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer, and 78% of all NPR programming is actually plagiarized from that morning’s New York Times.

In other fake news: Area Liberal Scoffs At Ignorance Of Others

Breaking News: Sen. Edwards Not Gay

Denominations In Church Of Obama

Exclusive: Transcript Of Obama’s Marriage Proposal

Foreign Student Turns Down Party Invite

Kokku Seikou, a University of California student, turned down an invitation to a rocking kegger this weekend in order to stay in his dorm room studying into the late hours.  Seikou, who studied twenty hours a day in his native Japan in order to get a scholarship to an American university, declined the chance to take jello shots with sorority sisters in order to cram for his organic chemistry final, scheduled in two months.  In between doing a beer bong and a marijuana bong, his roommate Jeff Johnson said Seikou was “a cool dude,” but “really weird, man.  He stays home every night studying.  I mean, he actually gets up before noon and goes to class.”  Seikou was not available for comment because he was preparing applications for medical school.