Oprah Cult Not Fully Joining Obama Cult

Oprah Winfrey, an afternoon talk show host who reached great achievement in a male dominated world and who encourages women to achieve in a male dominated world, is against allowing Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to run as vice president on the Republican ticket, on her show.  Winfrey’s staff is divided by the decision, as is Oprah’s cult.  Oprah, who tried to transfer her cult to Obama’s cult during his battle against another woman seeking achievement in a male dominated world, has been surprised at the angry reaction from disillusioned members of her own cult, who took to heart her words of encouragement for female achievement in a male dominated world.  Dr. Phil is expected to intervene if there are any television cameras used to cover the controversy.

Left Admits: We Were Kidding About Free Speech

After several recent incidents involving leftists seeking to intimidate or squelch speech, including physically intimidating blogger Michelle Malkin and Fox News reporter Griff Jenkins and seeking to shut down anti-Obama television advertising, the Left has officially admitted that they really don’t believe in free speech.  Official Left spokeswomyn Harold Scrottle, a transsexual, said “We routinely claim free speech as one of our guiding principles, but we can longer say that with a straight face.  Look at our embrace of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine to squelch conservative talk radio.  We on the Left like to think of ‘free speech’ as government sponsored art that involves a crucifix in urine or elephant dung on the Virgin Mary, not anyone advocating an opinion we find offensive, such as cutting taxes.”  Scrottle, who will be using the same surgeon Keith Olbermann used for his sex reassignment surgery , went on to mention college speech codes, hate crimes laws, and campaign finance reform as other examples of the Left’s lack of free speech credentials.  ”It was hard to believe that after we took those stands that anyone actually took us serious as free speech supporters.”  He went on to laugh about how the Left “will try to stifle conservatives they ridiculously label as Nazis such as Rush Limbaugh, but will defend the right of free speech of actual Nazis.” After the Left failed to defend the right of journalists to print the Muhammad cartoons, many on the Left wondered how long the charade of supporting free speech would be able to continue.  Scrottle says the decision to admit the truth was difficult, but necessary, before adding, “If you actually print this article, we will accuse you of being a fascist and against free speech.”

Breaking – New Palin Scandal!

Impacting Hard

The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged.  The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin’s 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl . . . THIS POST HAS MOVED.  CLICK HERE.  CHECK OUT THE EDWARDSREPORT.COM, THE RIGHT WING ONION RIP-OFF.

DC/NY Axis Outraged

Senator John McCain’s choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his running mate has set off alarm bells throughout the Beltway and into the media center of New York City.  Washington Lobbyist Bernice Satanica was deeply alarmed about McCain’s choice.  ”Palin’s so inexperienced.  She’s not familiar with Washington’s ways.  For example, she doesn’t know how to hide a lobbyist’s gift from public scrutiny.  She doesn’t know how to work the system to give tax dollars to your undeserving campaign donors.  She doesn’t know which local park is best to stash the bodies of political associates or former lovers.  She’ll be a disaster.”

In New York City, the reaction was just as swift.  ”I mean, my god, does she even read Frank Rich every Sunday?  Has she ever read Derrida or Foucault?  Is America really ready for that kind of president?” asked Paulette Kael, the literary editor of the New York Review of Books.  ”Look at her.  Her husband’s a union member who works with his hands, her son is in the military, she had to work for everything she has, she engages in hunting and fishing, and, my god, she has five kids, none of which are adopted from exotic countries.  This will seem so alien to voters.  I’m not sure how America will be able to relate to her.”

Not all of the consternation came from left of the political spectrum.  Regal Puddington III is the editor in chief of The Weekly Review, an obscure conservative literary journal.  As he lit his pipe and adjusted his bow tie, he asked: “Does she even know her Burke from her Locke? Her Mises from her Hayek?” Puddington, who has been to London, Paris, and other cosmopolitan cities around the world, but has yet to visit anywhere in America besides New York City, his ski chalet in Boulder, and his summer home in Martha’s Vineyard, considers himself an expert in Alaskan politics as he once read a Jack London novel in middle school.  ”I’m not sure America will be comfortable with a vice president who didn’t attend Dartmouth or Yale.”

Undecided Voter Shaken By DNC Convention

Local undecided voter Dick Johnson was deeply shaken after watching this week’s Democrat Convention.  ”I watched all evening, all week, and it really opened up my eyes.  I go to work every day and take care of my family, so I’m really busy, but I had no idea that America was in such bad shape.  I didn’t realize that half the country lived under their local bridge, or that only Halliburton executives were allowed decent health care,” said Johnson.  He went on to wonder how the Republicans could have nominated Sen. John McCain as their presidential nominee.  ”At first I thought he was an American hero,” Johnson explained, “but after watching the DNC convention I discovered that he hates those who serve in the military, wants to take away school lunches from poor children, and likes to snap the heads off of kittens.”  Johnson now leans toward Obama.

Exclusive: Biden’s VP Speech Revealed!

Impacting Hard

Exclusive sources deep within the DNC have revealed Sen. Joe Biden’s vice presidential acceptance speech, causing an uproar among Obama campaign staffers.  Biden is not expected to address plagiarism charges leveled against him.  Here are selected excerpts from Biden’s speech:

I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.

Thank you.

We are here — thank you — We are here tonight — We are here tonight because we love our country.

We’re proud of what America is and what it can become.

My fellow Americans, we’re here tonight united in one purpose: to make America stronger at home and respected in the world.

The rest of Biden’s speech can be read here.

Jo’ Bama Jokes

Jo’ Bama talks so much his mouth is like a convenience store, open 24 hours a day.

Please add your own in the comments section.

More to come.

Obama/Biden Ticket Worries Environmentalists

Fear spread throughout the environmentalist community early Saturday morning as the news that Barack Obama had chosen Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate.  National environmentalist groups are worried that the Obama/Biden ticket would vastly increase the dangers and imminence of global warming, as a result of the combination of hot air released from both candidates.  “This will lead to more hurricanes, an increase in the death of polar bears, and the end of Antarctica as we know it,” claimed activist Harold Scrottle, the head of the Faction for Alleviating Global Warming.  Although the similarities between the two makes them almost indistinguishable,  Scrottle went on to say that the Democratic ticket is more of a danger to the environment than cow flatulence.  Environmentalist Al Gore was unavailable for comment as he was aboard his private plane.

Breaking News: Obama Picks Obama As Veep

The AP is reporting that Democrat nominee Barack Obama has picked himself to be his vice presidential candidate.  Obama was quoted as saying, “When it came to a running mate who would be experienced enough to help me reverse global warming, make the lame walk, heal the sick, cure cancer, and bring peace on earth, I knew there was only one man qualified to do that.  Truly, I am the one I have been waiting for.”  It has been confirmed that when Obama asked Obama to be his vice president, Obama responded by looking defiantly into the distance before reading the following off of his teleprompter: “I accept.  This is the moment that the obesity epidemic began to recede, your acne started to clear up, and Chevy Chase started to be funny again.”  Afterwards, Obama and Obama turned a loaf of bread and a few pieces of fish into organic, locally grown arugula, edamame and free range chicken in order to feed the hungry.

In other political news . . .

Arianna Admits: HuffPo A Parody

Gore Blames Recent Hot Weather On Global Warming

Media Outraged Over Obama Allegations Against Obama

Media Outraged Over Obama Accusations By Obama

A media firestorm erupted Wednesday night as allegations involving drug use and religion swirled around Democrat nominee Barack Obama.  The furor started when Obama claimed that Obama had smoked marijuana and used cocaine when he was younger.  Obama then went on to accuse Obama of having a Muslim stepfather and of having grown up in Indonesia, a majority Islamic country.  “In a scurrilous new attack, Sen. Obama is the victim of discredited allegations,” Campbell Brown said as she opened CNN’s Election Center.  The New York Times is expected to editorialize tomorrow morning that “these allegations have repeatedly been proven false and are just dirty politics.”  (The editorial is expected only because it hasn’t been published yet, but was already released as a statement from the Democrat National Committee.)  As a result of these allegations against Obama by Obama, Keith Olbermann is expected to name Obama the Worst Person In The World tonight, but only if he can find his last pair of adult Depends.

Other media notes . . . In unrelated news, CNN producer Harold Scrottle inadvertently forgot to add a conservative guest to the four person political panel on tonight’s Larry King Live . . . A recent survey found that 80% of the network evening news, 65% of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer, and 78% of all NPR programming is actually plagiarized from that morning’s New York Times.

In other fake news: Area Liberal Scoffs At Ignorance Of Others

Breaking News: Sen. Edwards Not Gay

Denominations In Church Of Obama

Exclusive: Transcript Of Obama’s Marriage Proposal

Breaking News: Edwards Not Gay

In a shocking turn of events, former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards admitted that he is not a homosexual.  Edwards, whose love of hair care products and soft, delicate hands led many to assume he was gay, came out as a member of the heterosexual community in response to a National Enquirer report.  Ann Coulter is expected to release an apology, but could not be reached for comment.

EDITOR’S NOTE: To those of you who consider this post to have resorted to offensive stereotypes, please know this website finds homophobia to be totally gay.

Editor’s Note: Pelosi and The Edwards Report

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

My good friend Felipe “Fritz” O’Malley recently pointed out that this august website has had more hits in the last week than Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has sold copies of her new book Know Your Power. Her literary masterpiece is a collection of plastic surgery horror stories.

Hilton Accuses McCain of Plagiarism

Yesterday, famed socialite Paris Hilton rocked the political world with allegations of plagiarism against presumed Republican nominee John McCain.  Ms. Hilton claimed that McCain appropriated his energy policy from her without acknowledging authorship.  She said that “Drill Here, Drill Now” had been her dating policy since she was 15, and requested McCain either giver her credit or change his policy.

BREAKING NEWS: Obama’s Marriage Proposal

EXCLUSIVE

[MUST CREDIT EDWARDSREPORT]

The Obama campaign is furious that a transcript of Sen. Obama’s marriage proposal to Michelle was leaked to the media.  The MSM refuses to publish the information, but because this website never attended Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, we know a good story when we find it!

(Begin)

Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for.  I am more than your suitor, but rather I have become a symbol of the possibilities of marriage. After our first twenty years of marriage, you will look back on this moment as the time that your loneliness began to recede and your heart began to heal.  This is the moment that will end divorce and secure marriage.  I promise to provide you with care when you are sick and a job if you lose yours.  Let there be no new walls to divide us.  Now is the moment to say yes.  The odds you will say yes are very good so I’ve already told my family and friends we are engaged, as well as scheduled the wedding.

(Barack Obama stops reading from teleprompter, looks down confidently to Michelle.)

(End)

Obama: McCain Campaign Racist

In response to repeated criticisms of his tax plan from Sen. McCain, Sen. Obama and his campaign have returned fire, accusing the campaign of blatant racism.  After McCain said Obama wanted to raise taxes, Obama quickly said this was an attempt to bring attention to his race, playing into the vicious stereotype that all blacks want to raise taxes.  Obama staffer Harold Scrottle released a statement decrying “McCain’s effort to play on the bigoted fears of Americans who unfairly associate a capital gains tax increase with the African-American community.”  Obama himself later addressed the issue when he said, “The Republicans are going to try to make an issue of that fact that I don’t look like all those guys on the coins because I’m not made of zinc or copper.  Or that the color of my skin is a reason to fear that I will raise your payroll tax.”   The NAACP responded to McCain’s comments by demanding new government programs to address persistent racism in America, but did not make a suggestion on how to fund the new programs. The KKK did not issue a statement, as its three remaining members are awaiting trial on charges of molesting a dead horse.