As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:
*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism. Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written. They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.
*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included). They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.
*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events. They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren’t certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.
*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older. Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.
*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations. For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects. This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).
*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world. After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.
UPDATE II: I failed to mention some denominations. My favorite: the Islamaobamas. As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama. Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama. The most famous adherent would be Ludacris. Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays.
Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.
UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS! NRO ROCKS! You’re kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS! A history of this website. The author, Scott Edwards, is a long time advocate of equal rights for homo sapiens, as well as a popular author who has written under the noms de plume Danielle Steel, Ernest Hemingway, and Shakespeare. For his bio, click here.
The controversy continues to boil around the McCain ad that labels Sen. Obama a celebrity with pictures of Britney and Paris in the background. Here are my top reasons Barack is a celebrity:
1) His students labeled themselves his “groupies.”
2) He draws enormous crowds of obsessive, lonely, creepy fans.
3) On his way to a nightclub, he was once caught by the paparazzi getting out of his limo in a miniskirt sans panties.
4) He is eloquent onscreen, but is not quite as articulate without a script.
5) He preaches sacrifices for the environment while being whisked around in SUVs and private planes.
6) Page Six once claimed he was canoodling (in this case, the word means emailing) with Scarlett Johansson.
Monday, Sen. John McCain, after having a spot on his face removed, said “… I want to again urge all Americans to wear sunscreen, particularly this summer, stay out of the sun as much as possible, wear sunscreen …”Late this week he is expected to remind every American of the importance of flossing every day. Earlier today Sen. Barack Obama admonished Americans to keep their tires properly inflated. In August, he will instruct all of us that not washing behind our ears is unsanitary and disappointing to all of our moms. After the conventions, both candidates are expected to unite together to educate Americans on the importance of breathing.
In this morning’s NYT analysis of Sen. Obama’s twelve year tenure of con law at the University of Chicago Law School, several things stand out. First, this sentence in the first paragraph is interesting, but not surprising: “While most colleagues published by the pound, he never completed a single work of legal scholarship.” It seems Barry was as prolific a professor as he was a law review editor and is a United States senator. Secondly, Obama commented in 1996 on President Clinton’s bipartisan overtures this way: “On the national level, bipartisanship usually means Democrats ignore the needs of the poor and abandon the idea that government can play a role in issues of poverty, race discrimination, sex discrimination or environmental protection.” This sounds like Sens. Boxer or Kennedy, not the Great Bridge Builder, not the Uniter, not the inspiration behind the “Obamacans,” not the One who will heal our divisions. Will a reporter perhaps ask Him about this? Finally, the theory that Sen. Obama’s Ego developed as a result of the adulation after his speech at the Democrat convention is clearly mistaken. The article tells of his popularity among (liberal) students, but his behavior was off-putting to even them. “In what even some fans saw as self-absorption, Mr. Obama’s hypothetical cases occasionally featured himself. “Take Barack Obama, there’s a good-looking guy,” he would introduce a twisty legal case.” But the real audacity is not of hope, but of narcissism:
Douglas Baird, another colleague, remembers once asking Mr. Obama to assess potential candidates for governor.
“First of all, I’m not running for governor, “ Mr. Obama told him. “But if I did, I would expect you to support me.”
He was a third-year state senator at the time.
Confidence is a positive attribute. This is frightening.
Those of you who follow absurd racial grievances and the liberal white people who bow before them will recall all the attention given to efforts in Portland by something known as the “Office of Neighborhood Involvement” to foster greater understanding of “gentrification.” The Oregonian hyperventilates here, and the NYT catches up a month later here. Gentrification is the latest academic buzzword to describe when white people move to what has been historically black neighborhoods. Longtime black residents are understandably upset when local businesses are replaced with pretentious java shops, organic grocery stores, and outdoor apparel stores, in order to serve the growing community of over-educated, condescending, vegan, emo members of the “creative class,” i.e. unemployed coffee house musicians with a trust fund. But, hey, it’s a free country, and I imagine if blacks started to move into white neighborhoods no one is going to justify whites’ discomfort, let alone use a government office for white people to explain their uncomfortableness with this new diversity. The reason for this post is an article in the July 29, 2009, edition of the WSJ. Reporter Douglas Belkin tells the story of Montana, where 200,000 newcomers “are reshaping the way this state looks, acts–and votes. Along the way, these new Montanans have sparked a testy culture clash and, for the first time in a generation, opened the door for a Democrat presidential nominee to win the state in November.” A long-time resident complained that the newbies, overwhelmingly Democrat-leaning, well-educated, and not familiar with the culture of the state, are turning Bozeman into “another Aspen.” This has altered the makeup of the state so much that the state where George Bush won by 20 points in 2004 now has Sen. Obama up 5 points. Of course, there is no hand-wringing about a loss of culture and tradition. Instead, we have a celebration of the possible loss of another red state and their backward ways. As a liberty lover, private property is private property. But it struck me that the real cultural imperialists are well-educated, upper middle class Obama voters. They are invading minority and rural areas, replacing their tradition and culture with organic arugula and bike paths. Diversity and tolerance, to a leftist, only work if you agree and live like them.
The bicycle extremists continue their violent rampage against innocent Americans. The latest example of cycle rage comes from Seattle, a wealthier, more diverse version of the lunacy known as Portland, Oregon. The AP reports that the incident ended when:
The car stopped a block down and the bicyclists surrounded the car. One biker punched the driver through an open window and another used a knife to slash the tires.
When the driver got out of the car, a male suspect struck him with an unknown object in the back of the head. The driver was taken to the hospital. His female companion was not injured.
It seems cyclists are deliberately targeting one group for their violent assaults. This would be an example of both profiling and hate crimes, and, as we all know, those things are wrong. When will we have a candlelight vigil for motorists? When the term “biker gang” is mentioned, the mind does not conjure images of violent hippies wearing hemp spandex. But then the Northwest is always on the cutting edge of leftist trends.
I should mention that a motorist insurgency has been provoked by the violent bicyclists. A recent example:
The comedians running the Oregonian’s editorial page recently opined that Multnomah County should go forward with a plan to require chain restaurants to “include calorie counts alongside regular menu items, with the number as prominently displayed as the item’s price.” As someone who is following a low-carb diet and has lost fifty pounds this year, I would love to walk into a restaurant and have the carb counts of menu items listed, but the idea of having the government require this never crossed my mind. I instead acted as if I were an adult responsible for myself. I researched carbohydrate, calorie, and fat counts of food myself. If I planned on eating at a restaurant, I would go to that establishment’s website and check nutritional information. If I had a question about food preparation or ingredients, I would ask the wait staff. I also consulted diet books so I knew generally what I should and shouldn’t be eating. People aren’t overweight and eating “bad” foods because they don’t know the calorie counts. They’re eating those calories because they taste so damn good.
The Oralgroanian reported yesterday that our overlords at the Metro Council have “unanimously endorsed plans to extend light rail from Portland to Milwaukie.” Their social engineering plan includes the first bridge built across the Willamette since 1973. According to the O, the “bridge would carry the Portland streetcar, buses, bicyclists, and pedestrians — but no cars.” The light rail line will allow easier transportation from Portland to its last stop in the Oak Grove area of Clackamas County. Many expressed excitement over the vote, most notably drug dealers and pimps eager to expand their territory, along with others who work so hard at keeping Portland weird. The Metro Council was unavailable to comment on fixing the pothole on my street, but did offer me a bus schedule.
Pretty In Pink: Sam Adams demonstrates the future of motoring in the metro area.
Madame Toussauds recently unveiled a wax replica of singer/trainwreck Amy Winehouse. The waxword is very detailed, and includes her famous beehive, excessive eyeliner, colorful minidress, skanky tattoos, and early stage emphysema. To make the waxwork as real as possible, the wax was made with a hemp/hydrochloride mix. The diva’s parents attended for her, as Ms. Winehouse was busy being in the fetal position in her basement screaming that the government had taken her baby.
Have you been Rickrolled? The phenomenon is spreading throughout the web. How does it work? You put a link on your site to something that instead of taking you to the site you expected goes to a video of Rick Astley singing the Bob Marley classic “Never Gonna Give You Up.” For an example, click here.
Ha! That’s right sucker, you were just Jellyrolled!
The Edwards Report blog was not always the premier site for free market economic analysis, in depth literary critiques, and fart jokes.This blog was originally founded by Jonathan Edwards, the fiery theologian, in 1755.At first, there were not many visitors because the Internet would not be invented by Leslie Gore for many, many years.The original mission of the blog was to ensure the moral purity and rectitude of the land by campaigning against alcohol, tobacco, and short hemlines, a purpose that this website still seeks to uphold to this very day.
After Mr. Edwards’ death, the website was edited by another noted theologian, Jesse Edwards.This blog then became known as the leading site for biblical scholarship, a reputation still intact over two hundred years later.
Gen. Oliver Edwards then inherited the website, but was too busy fighting the Civil War to add much content.He was there the night they drove old Dixie down.In fact, he is the one who took the very best from Virgil Cain.
Author John Edwards brought a more literary spirit to the Edwards Report, but he was much better known for having NOT impregnated his mistress while his wife was battling cancer.
The Edwards Report then went on hiatus for several years, as there were no famous Edwards’ during this time.
Finally, The Edwards Report was revived by Edwin Edwards, but was quickly shelfed when Edwards was elected governor of Lousiana, where he was known for bringing unprecendented levels of integrity and honesty to the office. He plans on returning to The Edwards Report as soon as he is released from federal prison.
A few years ago, The Edwards Report was revived by psychic John Edward, who changed the name to The Edward Report.The current editor, Scott Edwards, was able to take back the domain name when it expired and changed the name back.Somehow, John Edward did not see this coming.And there you have a short history of nearly everything about the Edwards Report.Eat your heart out, Bill Bryson.
As Conway Twitty once sang, I can tell you’ve never been this far (on my blog) before. There have been many new visitors to this blog in the last few days, and I want you to know it’s okay to be nervous. To make you more comfortable, I will tell you a bit more about this site and myself. First, I’ve had quite a few jobs before I started blogging. I am a man of many talents, and have often been hired to teach others new skills. I have given ski lessons to Sonny Bono, flight lessons to John Denver, locution lessons to George W. Bush, driving lessons to Ted Kennedy, and taught Hunter Thompson how to aim a gun. I have also been involved in some things I’m not proud about: I gave Barack Obama his first line of oratory, Jerry Nadler his first doughnut, Barney Frank his first lollipop, and introduced Lindsay Lohan to some dude who is a deejay. I was once a nude centerfold for The Nation, but I was young and needed the money. That Katrina Vanden Heuvel is very persuasive. I hope that let’s you know a bit more about me and my blog. Please no jokes about this post being shorter or quicker than you expected. Please check in to the website as often Britney Spears checks into rehab.
But enough about me. For the history of the website, click here.
One of the funniest television shows around was created by the king of Canadian comedy. Okay, done laughing? I know, I didn’t even know that Canada had a sense of humor until I saw Rick Moranis in Strange Brew, and that didn’t get funny until my fifth beer. Each night, on WGN America, Canadian comedian Brent Butt stars in Corner Gas, a show about how his life would have turned out had he not left his very small Canadian home town for the bright lights and big city living of Saskatchewan. (Or Ottawa or Newfoundland or whatever; I’m American so I don’t know much about Canada.) Butt’s Corner Gas (snicker) manages to be both simple and clever, original and familiar. It avoids shocking and offensive humor, instead finding laughs in a PG but still lighthearted adult manner. The show is produced in a traditional, but nowadays rarely used (at least successfully), style, but still manages the occasional postmodern turn, such as an absurd cutaway or odd pop culture reference. I would say Corner Gas is old school television: it attempts thirty minutes of witty, easy laughs, and actually delivers. Now, maybe Canada will be known for more than hockey and . . . uh … their bacon … and, uh ….
The latest stats show that this esteemed website just set a record for most visitors in a day, and is now on its way to another record day. According to the last Nielson Internet ratings, The Edwards Report now ranks first among obese, one-armed, flatulent, alcoholic, Marlboro Red smoking, frigid, mute, Nepalese immigrant housewives, an often overlooked demographic. I was once known as the man who kissed a girl, took her to the candy shop, and brought back sexy all in one afternoon before Kate Perry, 50 cent, and Justine Timberlack were born. Now I shall be remembered for giving a voice to this underserved community. I could not be prouder. God bless you, Kanti!
UPDATE: Several of you have corrected me that the singer who attempted but failed to bring sexy back was not a female singer called Justine Timberlack, but a hermaphroditic singer known as Justin Timberlake, who is quite popular among homosexuals and fat women. My apologies.
UPDATE II: Headline and wording altered slightly. Get over it.
“It’s embarrassing when Europeans come over here, they all speak English, they speak French, they speak German. And then we go over to Europe and all we can say is merci beaucoup.”
That was Sen. Obama on July 8th. Here is his speech from earlier in Berlin, Germany:
“Vielen Dank zu den Bürgern von Berlin und zu den Leuten von Deutschland. Lassen Sie mich Kanzler Merkel und Außenminister Steinmeier für Heißen willkommen mich früher heute danken. Vielen Dank Bürgermeister Wowereit, der Berlin Senat, die Polizei, und am meisten von allen vielen Dank für diesen Empfang . . . “
Oh, wait. Obama doesn’t speak a foreign language. He delivered this address in English in a foreign land. I don’t think there was even a merci beaucoup in there. How embarrassing.
Check out the always enjoyable Michelle Malkin for a look at how Obama really is a dummkopf.
UPDATE: In response to the kind comments from KC: Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. When I said Obama doesn’t speak a foreign language, I was referring to Obama’s own statement: “I don’t speak a foreign language. It’s embarrassing!” My mistake for taking Sen. Obama at his word.
My criticism of Obama not speaking German in Germany was a response to his silly quote above, not because I would have been able to orate in German. (Although after three years of studying German and visiting that beautiful country, I could have.) Which, of course, brings us to German grammar. In German, all nouns are still capitalized, as they once were in English. The key phrase: IN GERMAN.
UPDATE II: Thanks for the link, Indigo Red. Read about his further adventures here.
Mr. Edwards, a longtime observer of politics, Lawrence Welk reruns, and the Victoria’s Secret catalog, has a real job besides blogging about politics, pop culture, and the latest fashions from his home in the Pacific Northwest. He is a successful author who has written under the noms de plume Agatha Christie, Oscar Wilde, and Shakespeare. He thinks he's clever by making obscure pop culture references. He reads too many liberal newspapers, and thus drinks heavily. He eats raw steak and drinks Jack Daniels for breakfast. He hates children, animals, and cuddling, and is surprisingly still single. He holds a bachelors degree in political science, or as he calls it, a BS in BS. He was once hired to be a performance artist, but was fired due to having talent and a future. He is so pomo he has become ironically detached from reality. He has frequently been praised for having the racial sensitivity of Don Imus, the moral rectitude of Larry Flynt, and the communication skills of a young Helen Keller. He is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest collection of Precious Moments figurines. You can contact him at edwardsreport@gmail.com.
